Carol Hardesty Is Going To Be Very Proud of Me Someday

These summer days, they grow so long at the thrift shop, during the many hours when I have no one in the store, I am using my time very wisely by practicing my singing, dancing, and general performance skills to the songs of the 70's. (please note this is different than when I was just quietly singing while customers were present, just to be annoying) Think Tom Cruise in Risky Business, only I am not in my underpants, though I am wearing sunglasses. When my big break comes I will be ready Carol, I won't miss my calling a second time.

Do YOU have a Philosophy? . . .

. . . Or a motto that you live by?

If so, let me know and YOU could be the star of a suspiciously pleased cartoon.

Swearing is encouraged!!

Win a Spot at the Hermosa Old Folks Home!

By answering this question. Why is this date June 26th, signifigant?
*free spot won by 1st correct answer only

HIA Cartoonist Reveals Latest Work's Brilliance, Meanness

HIA Cartoonist R. Abeln has recently unveiled her latest work on her MySpace page. According to Abeln, her latest visual piece is remarkable in both it's sheer genius and also it's utter cruelty - to the artist herself.

"Sure it's mean - but that's what artists do, right? They suffer for their art. In my case literally. Because I view my whole life as a piece of performance art. As do others. Well. At least I assume so by their reactions to me."

Abeln's revolutionary work can be seen at myspace.com/suspiciouslypleased

John Henry Day 2007

Hermosa, SD. You should be there.

Murdered Rock, Injured Stone Are Latest Casualties Of Cute Ass Training Program

Hospitalized Brick could not be reached for comment.

New Unauthorized Autobiography Sheds Light, Tears

David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.

We Held Out As Long We Could...

but we had to turn on the AC tonight, it is officially summer in Florida.

Wild S.D.

Since Mully put out the call for images from exotic locales, I thought you might like to see a wedding dance in the wilds of Howard, S.D. Vogue-ing among the farmers:

Observing the use of farm implements in wedding celebrations:

Note the tribal dances:

The other main activity is leaning against pickups in the parking lot, drinking beer out of coolers and shootin' the shit. These traditions are unchanged through history and are passed down from farmer to farmer. Quite exciting to observe them up close!

Science Has Let Me Down

Sure, his rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy still holds some nipple-hardening power, but where are his diatribes, his treateses, does he not know the HIA readership longs for his insights?

I Wish I Knew What Krissii Fantastic Was Up To...

With a name like that, I'll bet she does some fascinating stuff...if only I knew more.

Young Naturalist Institutes Snail Relocation Program at Hippy Hole

I Am Growing So Weary of Looking at These Pictures Of Australia

Won't any of you fascinating co-authors share with us your insights and adventures. We know you do stuff.

wow.

The Great Barrier Reef, just above Queensland, Australia

The view from the boat

I was able to get in on a helicopter over the reef where we were

view from about 500 feet up

10 Year Old Unchanged By Birthday

After spending an entire week in the double digits, new 10 year old Adam Grigg admits he doesn't feel any different. He predicts more noticeable changes in the future, claiming, "When I'm 13 I'll probably like girls. Because of hormones--you know, the same thing that makes your armpits stink."

Spy? You Decide

In reference to an earlier polemic regarding my probable status as a spy, I would like to clarify the "murky details" of my recent employment.

1. While I wouldn't say the job came with no benefits, holidays and health care were not included.

2. The job was for a private company, rife with engineers and computer wizards, who subcontracted for another private company primarily peopled with ex-military E.O.D guys who contracted with the Army Corps of Engineers who are reponsible for cleaning up the old Pine Ridge Bombing Range.

3. I did wear dark glasses which were part of my required PPE (personal protective equipment). Also included in my PPE were company-purchased work gloves and composite-toe boots.

4. I did not carry a briefcase, however the company did supply a laptop which came in a black case that could perhaps be mistaken for a briefcase.

5. I did drive a company truck, a Ford F-250 pick-up. Sometimes I rode with other company employees in their company trucks.

6. I was not discreet. I found it highly entertaining, when asked what I was doing, to answer, "I look for bombs."

7. The assignment has already concluded. I had to give back the truck and the laptop, but I got to keep the boots and gloves. The dark glasses were mine to begin with.

The Vermillion Lifestyle Exposed: Part 1, Shallot-busting

While Vermillionites would have you believe they are very down to earth and live ever so simply, they do in fact indulge in gourmet seasonings on a level that the outside world is not aware of. Check out these photos which illustate the different shallot-busting styles of one R. Abeln and one A. Fish. Next time: just how many "pubs" in Vermillion have Stella Artois on tap?

Verm on YouTube

Thanks to Mully, S.D. talent has finally joined the YouTube Revolution.



Thanks Mully!

Denise is probably a spy

After carefully weighing the information around in my suspicious little mind, I have come to the conclusion that I think Denise is a spy. Probably for the NSA or something. Follow me Gents and Ladies on a tour of the facts.
1. She has a job with benefits?
2. Full time job with a company or "organization" ? (she hasn't really explained it.
Fact # 3. Jason Walker (shrewd civic information gatherer) wasn't able to pry more than the merest murky details from her over casual conversation other than:
A) She has a company truck
B) She drives to work, and back in her "company" truck.
C) She probably has dark sunglasses and a briefcase (sure key element for any spy)
D) Its' just plain odd for someone to have a good job in South Dakota or Whyoming.
E) Codename "Boomer". (wonder if this gives a little insight into her real job.
F) I'm going to switch back to numbers now.
4) There are probably many more subtle clues for those of you that have the opportunity to study her moves.

I won't call it spying, I only ask this of you patriotic citizens out there-keep an eye out and let me know what she is up to...

and Boomer if you ever read this-we're on to you.

Cat 5 Bitch Twister sets down near Yeehaw Junction

"It came from g'damn nowhere" said Floridian G. Wortham.

"After a stop in YeeHaw Junction headed towards Ft. Lauderdale, I was driving and all of a sudden this Catagory 5 Bitch Twister sets down right beside me. Let me tell you, a mini cooper is mighty tight quarters for a Bitch Twister to go off in".

"It was hard to determine exactly what was going on with all of the profanity, klenex, and sandals flying about the compartment, but I think stepping in chewing gum was the cause."

"Gum...on a sandal..."

Mullypalooza Announces Plans to Skip Midwest for 08 Tour

Citing a lackluster appreciation of her message, scheduling conflicts, and environmental concerns, Mullypalooza publicists made clear that she would not be visiting the midwest in 2008. Mullypalooza will instead be hooking up with Bono on an IKEA-sponsored tour, bringing the inspiration of Scandinavian design to inner-city youth and unwed mothers.