David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.