Limerick Contest Suggested

While at the Coffee House Gallery, Christa mentioned how much she would like to hear a limerick with the word "plebotomist" in it. Shall we have a contest?

I will soon be posting comments on all of Denise's comments and articles

Sorry. Didn't Mean to Beg.

Someone Could at Least Comment on How Good Looking We Are

Almost Live From the Cofee House Gallery

v Residents and visitors gathered for a java jumpstart on this activity-filled Saturday. After recapping the very funny bits from the evening before, new funny bits were bandied about for later recapping and the visitors were treated to the video "Candypants." The group then convened accross the street at a famous thrift store. The find of the day was a multi-colored string egg. Haircuts, wainscoting and unknown demands pulled 3 of the group towards productive lives. Another was lost to a research paper after lunch at the chinese buffet. The visitors and their gallant host continued on to discover taxidermy at the local library and peruse used books on Main St. They topped off their lovely afternoon with a nap.

Comment Hater Goes on Coment Binge

So you know, I just added a comment to every post between here and "phoning." Please scroll. But if you have any replies could you email me or something? My scroll finger's tired.

Taxidermy at Last, No Thanks to Some People

Meet Muskie and Fez, who reside in the Vermillion library. You can see their comely caretaker fussing over them up top and then some random visitor posing with them in hopes of stealing a little of their glamorous sheen while partially blocking the shot with her head.

For some reason, the local photographer in Verm couldn't be bothered to post the photos himself and instead outsourced that task to a St. Paul resident. I wonder what the chances are of our getting to see images of the pair in their Easter outfits? I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Cheerful, Fun-Loving and Very Bright Orange Bunny Seeks Forever Home(hopefully before Easter)

despite his best efforts in repositioning himself all around a local thrift shop, this lil' fella has yet to find a family that will put him in an Easter basket. I think it is a darned shame, as he is so cute(does he not look like something from the wallace and gromit people?) Will someone please buy him?

Residents Beseech: "Eep-kay Ermillion-Vay on the own-Day Ow-Lay!"

(Somewhere Really Isolated and Not Navigable From Any Major Freeways in the Rural Midwest) - Residents of a small college town in the upper Midwest were troubled to find that they had recently been "discovered."

"We have been trying to fly below radar for quite some time now," said one anonymous resident. "But now that word has gotten out about the top-notch culinary, taxidermy, and lyrical talents of our locals, we're afraid the place is going to be swarming with defeated dot commers, Minnesotans -- and god it kills me to say it -- Floridians."

"Don't they see that once our comely country village is awash in those who wish to downsize their lifestyles, it will lose its inherent charm?" he added.

Once a stop on the counter-culture underground railroad, the unnamed rural community may now see fleets of Mini-Coopers and Jamba Juice huts dot its unfettered prairie landscape.

"I've already had several Californians and one Oregonian ask to see my work," confided one highly-private civil servant. "The one with the really expensive camera asked me for my autograph, but I noticed the words "Will Not Sue" on the paper I signed. Why Will instead of Sue? And why am I supposed to watch for the "Relocation Nation" column in the New York Times Style magazine?" she asked. "Should I be stocking up on felt from WalMart? What does it all mean?"

I like comments, please feel free to use them anytime on my writings.

I Witnessed a Real-Life Precious Moment

This is a true story. Gregory's sister Wendy came to visit this past weekend, she brought her children Aaron and Daniel with her. One night while we were having dinner at the parent's, I was hanging out on the lanai with the 2 boys. They were relaxing on the hammock, and Daniel who is 4, (and looks like the all american child, blond curly hair, blue eyes, huge dimples, )was singing a little song, he sang"I love everybody, and I love God.." He was smiling and looking around, then he looks up in the sky, and does this thumps up, reaching really high towards the sky.
I had to keep myself from laughing out loud, I was really surprised. It is not like their family is super-religious, so I had to ask him what he was doing, and sure enough the thumbs up was for God. Then his older brother filled me in a little more. "Yeah, he has been worshiping like crazy ever since he started watching Veggie Tales."

Local Woman Has No Plans to Visit IKEA This Fall

Upon hearing the news that there would be 2 IKEAS opening in Florida this fall, Lakeland resident Molly Wortham announced she has no plans to go there even though there will be one that is only 45 minutes away from her front door. "I am afraid that even though we have a pickup truck, I just can't be bothered to go that far for chic,well designed, and inexpensive home goods. "

It Has Been a John Henry 3 Weeks(especially for Gregory)

Work continues on the bathroom re-modeling, it will probably end up to be a John Henry Month. As you all may have heard, Gregg tore out the bathroom and built a brand new one. Be watching for the before/after photo spread, if there ever is an after...the HIA will be the first to know. The new bathroom is very space-age, with many technological improvements. Rebuilding a bathroom is sort of intense, especially when you only have one. Our time estimates for finishing were somewhat overly optimistic, and we continue to work on it and go to work too. I have not meant to neglect the HIA, but figuring out where I am going to shower next has taken up alot of my time and energy. (Personal hygiene is a priority for me.)Anyway, I hope to get that photo spread to you this weekend!

Blog Enters Therapy .

Things have gone from bad to worse for the Hia News Blog. After learning of various hijinks in Vermillion going un-blogged, sources indicate that the HIA News is now seeking therapy for depression. Recently the blog realized that it needed to deal with its own "issues". Overheard at a local coffee shop, the blog confided in a friend, "I guess I just need to look at my expectations, I mean with 11 blowhards like my authors, I just expected that I would have posts coming out my ears, seriously I have never known this group to be so reticent, I guess I kinda take it personally. It's just that I get kinda tired about hearing about Florida all the time, and meanwhile(Thanks for the heads up Sassmaster) costumed taxidermy goes un-photographed. Maybe they are all just too busy, but I can't help but think that there are all kinds of interesting things going on in libraries, noodle factories, and various other places and my readership never gets to hear about it. That and my bitter disapointment make me very sad."
At least the HIA News is now seeking the help it needs to deal with it's problems, and if it is any consolation HIA, we know it will all work out. Someday all your authors will realize what a crime it is to not share their fascinating lives with the HIA readership, and then they wiil be blogging away with all the cute and funny and interesting things they do everyday.

Vermillion Residents Bogarting Good Blog Material

A weekend trip to Vermillion, S.D., revealed that HIA contributors residing there were keeping excellent blog stories to themselves. The reason for this secrecy was not disclosed.

Information not being shared by the trailergentsia includes:

* A song that features lovely harmonies about an overly friendly dog named Dingus.
* Videos of the regular hootenannies taking place in Vermillion, including a performance of "Stop Dragging my Heart Around"
* An third-place honor taken in the local arts council 2006 Chili Blues contest
* A song about IKEA love
* A taxidermied muskrat and pheasant known as "Muskie" and "Fez" who are regularly dressed in seasonal attire but apparently not photographed for HIA News readers
* Very entertaining videos from YouTube that could easily be linked to, if certain people could be bothered to think of others

As it turns out, a cetain biology-major Vermillion-ite had not even been told about the existence of the HIA News blog.

One hopes that the Vermillion trailergentsia will consider the significant entertainment needs of the HIA readership and correct these lapses as soon as possible.

I Know. I'm Phoning it In.

Midterms have me a bit whack, so I'm going to be feckless and syndicate. For cute pix of Al, Renee, et. al., and for shots of our new apartment:
http://superblogmuch.blogspot.com/

Long Term Forest Service Employee Looking for New Job, or, Slacker Seeks Mystic Revelation in Sunshine

After working year round for 3 consecutive years, I find myself unemployed. This may be the first summer in 11 years that I don't work for the Forest Service. Perhaps it will be a liberating experience.

I have much to contemplate. It is supposed to reach 80 degrees here today, so I think it wise if I head to the Cathedral Spires for a little meditation on rock and perhaps unveil the path to my future. HIA News will get the scoop when such mysteries are solved.

I HATE COMMENTS AND THINK I WONT USE THEM ANYMORE

I don't really like using comments with these articles. There may come a time in my life when I have a little more going on and don't have the luxury of scrolling through all the old articles seeing if there are any new comments. And after a few weeks of having great fun and accomplishing big things I might want to comment on some bit of news that will by that time be old news and nobody else will scroll that far back and my comments will be missed which will mean I will have wasted my time.

So I hearby inform you all that henceforward all of my comments will appear in the form of articles. In case I get sick of that, too, and decide to just use headlines.

Sad Neglected Blog Languishes on InterWeb

The HIA News blog was reportedly sighing loudly this week, and mumbling about being ignored by its authors. "With 11 contributors, you'd think someone would have something to say," it said, rolling it's eyes. "I guess they just can't be bothered."

When asked if the it had expressed these thoughts to the blog authors, the rather passive-aggressive HIA News stomped off in a huff.

Center For Therapeutic Weeding to Open Anytime

Located in lovely Lakeland Florida, our center will open anytime anyone who wants to pay to do some weeding shows up.

We offer excellent rates for the enjoyment of removing all types of exotic weeds including but not limited to: pig-taters, skunk weed, dog-fennel, sand-spurs, epiphytes, spurge, duckweed, and monkey-grass.

For a slight additional charge guests may remove Spanish moss(watch out for chiggers), or do thrip-picking, and palm grooming.

The deluxe package includes chopping a fire-hazard size pile of shedded palm-fronds, and cleaning out a really skanky pond.

Make your reservations today as limited spots are available.

(Price breaks are available for those afflicted with WHAD.)

Underemployed Sculptor Whores Himself Out-Again

Yeah, I herd there was a chance to design the commemorative center for a bunch of Wads. Whads. Whatever. So I whipped up these drawings to show to my potential clients the proposed designs for their center. Initially the concept revolved around a snowshovel design-the scoop making a nice graceful arc to shade a person from the weather. I was thinking along the lines of the Sydney Opera house except with tin sheeting instead of stainless steel.
One of them, I think it was Nee said it looked like a halfassed homeless shelter. The other one-The Blonde says "Homeless "shed" Nee"- then they both started cackling-you know how they are...
The next designs worked around the forms they are accustomed to -themselves-"Now you're getting somewhere" one of them said excitedly. So I went with a sunglass motif-The front of the lenses would be an observation deck, while on the "inside" there would be huge projected images of Nee and Mully. One image per lense. Cool. they really liked that one.
The one that looks like the profile of the two is what I think they will settle on. They liked the idea of it being carved out of carera marble and trimmed out in formica banding. A nice touch I have to add. Mully expressed an interest at this point and recomended they forget about the WADS and just have a martini and sushi bar inside instead.

Sisters Announce Plans To Found New Charity To Benefit Victims of Obscure Mental Disorder

Sisters and part-time supermodels Nee and Mully recently unveiled plans to establish a new charity that will benefit those who suffer from WHAD. In an exclusive interview with HIA News, they laid out a few of the sketchy details.

WHAD( winter hosiery affective disorder), also known to laymen as "sock madness", affects an untold number of Midwesterners. It has no cure, and treatment options are limited. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: an over-exacting approach to metal tool -based removal of cold precipitation flakes, and having delusions about the moral values and behaviors of close friends.

"Our mission is two-fold," Stated Mully, "first of all we simply must educate the public about this devastating disorder. You often do not realize how disastrous the effects can be until it hits you close to home. We have a close friend who became affected, and it really opened our eyes."

"Just as important is raising funds for research," added Nee, "Currently nothing is being done, and it is people with our kind of visibility that can bring this issue to the forefront. Once we get out there and tell their stories, raising the funds will be no problem. People with WHAD are like anyone, only more crazy. We will need to work hard to make sure they are not marginalized, and give them hope for a cure."

"Part-time supermodels are well-known for their charity work and we are no exception. Certainly it would be easier to turn our backs on these individuals, but what we believe in is reaching out. Our schedules are so super-exhausting, but somehow between shopping, lounging, and going on location, we will find a way."