Since today is Boxing Day

I think we should all honor the greatest of all time..

Hmmm, almost x-mas

and still no Trainablez video, oh Santa baby, I swear I have been very, very nice, not at all naughty. That ain't me no more, no sir, no way.

truckhenge topeka

a secret topeka attraction....truckhenge. built by a guy who was being hassled by the county to "pickup" all the trash on his property...so he built truckhenge. he also built his house all out of recylables.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/sights/sightstory.php?tip_AttrId=%3D16024

Tranvestite Manequin nativity

Saw this xmas scene in residential topeka. It appears to be made entirely out of manequins. Also looks like beards put on female manequins. Baby jesus is coated in ice, mary was such a sucky mother, surely SRS should put the jeeeez into foster care.

Not Feeling Very Christmassy?

The Trainablez are here to help!

We've just added a little Chrsitmas ditty to our Myspace page for you all to enjoy . . . sure, it's bit minimal due to the fact that only Jefe, Al and Roxy answered the call, but it's almost too blisteringly hot to be a song for the holidays only!

I'm sure you're all wondering why it was just the three of us. Well, frankly, we were, too. The conclusions we came to were that either everybody else in the band hates Christmas or Africa. As they weren't there to clarify, I guess we'll never know . . .

And, of course, we know that a certain special someone in Florida has their eye on a certain prize - and don't worry. we're working up something tasty in the Glen Campbell vein.

In the meantime, get up with Christmas and The Trainablez new single!

http://www.myspace.com/thetrainablez

All I Want for X-mas...

Is video of the Trainablez....
(and a baby coyote, and a horse, Please oh please Santa baby, won't you bring me at least one of these!)

there is some new art

http://www.molldoll.etsy.com/

Did Har Mar get a sex-change and move to Ames IA?

she also has a kick ass tribute to gem sweaters (the video features a 'keytar'...intrigued?)

Can You Handle the Cute?

The Trainablez - Now on the Web!!

Their fans demanded it and now their prayers have been answered . . .

SEE . . . the Trainablez... (well, eventually)
HEAR . . . the Trainablez... (http://www.myspace.com/thetrainablez)
TASTE . . the Trainablez... (anytime you're in the Tri-State area. we'll come to you!)
TOUCH. . . the Trainablez... (see above)
SMELL . . . the Trainablez... (Skratch n' Snif stickers coming soon!)

You've tried the best, now try us!

My Cat Is Wierdly Evil, by Adam Grigg

First, when it wants food, it begs and begs until your head almost explodes; and then it barfs up these hairballs all over the place, and usually exactly the same place where we step, where we sleep, or mostly in any unexpected place. You never know when you are going to step in puke.

And now, about the cat being irritating: if you let the cat out just before you go to bed, it wants back in at 2 am. Most of the time, just when you get calm, the cat knocks something really large over and you have a gigantic mess to clean up.

To sum it up, the cat is just one of the strangest cats ever. If you are nice to it, it will be nice to you, but that doesn't subside the barfing. My cat is just weird.

Editors note: This was written by corespondent Adam Grigg nearly a year ago, but due to a filing accident was just recently rediscovered.

Aging Hipsters Party All Night Long, Become Accutely Aware of Joint Pain

Dateline: Friday Night, 9:00pm to 1:00am, Vermillion.

USD's hometown was once again of scene of aged debauchery as academic hipsters formerly known as Poison Stream visited the Friends of the Eagles Club. Early reviews were tepid, as the band insisted on playing "dance" hits such as "Biko".

As bemused revelers looked about in confusion, one was heard to observe: "I don't know. The drumming is okay, but it doesn't seem right to dance to a song about racial hatred and murder . . ." More downbeat numbers followed, causing much muttering and snide slurs against the band's ability to "rock hard".

But then the aging party-ers got more than they bargained for when up and coming youngsters the Breakout Boys hit the stage. The OTA attendees soon realized that maybe they weren't able to keep up with the kids any more.

Then, to add injury to insult, the Band formerly known as Poison Stream decided to "rock out" for their final set with their covers of "White Wedding" and "Folsom Prison Blues", leaving the more elderly concert goers no choice but to continue rocking, despite being gradually let down by their aged joints. Library worker R. Abeln was heard to exclaim, "Man, my thighs are killing me! I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow!" At least 2 hepsters were reported to have to thrown their necks out during the performance.

There was some small comfort for two of these older party girls as a late night visit to all-night grocery store HY-Vee saw them being addressed as "two hot, sexy dames". This compliment (coming from suave soon-to-be high school English teacher, Justin Walker) almost made up for the fact that they were repeatedly passed up by young men during the night due to the fact that they were surrounded by young women.

Early reports this morning indicate Abeln is indeed 'feeling it" and is taking Ibuprofen for her knee pain.

Vegetarian Acquires Taste for Human Flesh

When asked for comment, "Braaaaaaaainsssssss. Meeeeeee likeeeeeeey" was all that could be made out between gnawing gulps of victim.

At least Ma Wortham will be happy she's getting some protein now.

What Exactly Is Al Afraid of.....?

...the creeeepy spider, the spoooky jack-o-lantern, or this incredibly suave, very intense, soon-to-be high school English teacher?

Meet Secret Agent Spindleshanks

She is a saucy little minx, she knows stuff.

Barb Abeln Gives Grandchild Update

Aurek was born on September 16, 2006. Proud parents are Billi Jo & Marc Zielinski. Aurek is already well-traveled with trips to New York City, Baltimore, Pittsburg, Minnesota, South Dakota & several trips to the State of Virginia. His latest accomplishments include learning to walk & point at things. He attends "school" in Washington, DC.

Cashten was born on February 4, 2004. He is currently living in Fort Collins with his Mom, Nicki Jo. Cashten went on his first airplane flight during June of this year. He traveled to Washington, DC to help celebrate his Aunt Billi's 35th birthday. Cashten's hero is Jack Sparrow. Cashten attends "school" in Fort Collins, CO. Next month, Cashten will start learning Spanish.

(Pictures to follow at some point)

Tiny Elvis

oh, do you remember this one...

Size and Relativity

In the office, a 10' x 25' net is HUGE.

In the forest, when trying to entice a woodpecker into it, a 10' x 25' net is very, very small.

ok,ok so the rumours were true...

sunbutter baby. Look out world, here he is.

and now look who has been bogarting her fabulous life

http://myrockrecord.blogspot.com/
i always said she's a lil' bitch.

New Art Update

Pufferfishes VS Jackals ..

http://www.molldoll.etsy.com/

Poll Proves South Dakotans Ignorant

Rapid City, SD. Polls indicate a shocking ignorance among South Dakotans of the Dolly Parton song "Jolene." 100% of the five people surveyed said they had no knowedge of the song. While claiming to recognize the name Dolly Parton, not one of the individuals could name any song written by the Country star.

Pollster Denise Hardesty, clearly shaken, describes her reaction to the poll: "I was all excited to share my copy of the White Stripe's rendition of "Jolene" when it dawned on me that my friends had no idea what I was talking about. I mean, I've lived here over ten years and nothing has made me feel like I'm on another planet quite like this."

just a little nostalgic tonight...

but don't we look adorable...

The Joy of Obstacle Croquet: A Pictorial

I really like moss.

certainly some of my co-authors must have something more interesting to say than this...

and to think...

I used to just give this away.

http://www.molldoll.etsy.com/

She Went There

...and you best check it out over here.

This is getting ridiculous...

you too, Fidel?

http://www.chuglife.blogspot.com/

New blog alert

Oops, I did it again
I made up an alternate reality
And it's super-cute...

http://www.overatbuddhas.blogspot.com/

Photos of Vermillion Folk Singer Surface

Photos of Vermillion Folk singer, Renee Roxanne Abeln, surfaced earlier this week. Apparently they were taken at a West River wedding held sometime earlier in the month. She performs with accompianist, Jefe, captivates the crowd with her impish grin, and is helped by one of her handlers to prepare for the performance.

Musky & Pheas update!

VPL's mascot's are ready for the new school year!

As you can see, Pheas is really into Stephen Hawking at the moment - really proud of his new Stephen Hawking lunchbox.

Musky, bless him, is still all about Spongebob.

See it here: http://vpl.sdln.net/meet_muskrat_and_pheasant.htm

Art! Since Everyone Loves It So. It is time for another board Dinner at The River, so here for your enjoyment A few of my latest floral creations.

I'm Just a Sunny Little Squirrel(don't worry about me)

Why do you Have To Get So...Owly?

Les Petits Chous

E.T. Brings Buddha a Nice Potted Plant

A Pensive Panda

Young Love (awww, ain't it sweet)

Silly Rabbit (Trix are not exclusively for kids)

Vermillion Folk Singer Adds "Totally Relevant" Song to Repertoire

Renee Roxanne Abeln has recently increased her current song list, moving into double digits. The key song that's taken her to the next level? "The Unicorn" by the Irish Rovers.

"Sure, people laugh when I tell them I've expanded my remit to include songs about mythical creatures but it's, like, totally relevant to this day and age. Just listen to this: . . .

'And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns . . .'

I mean, c'mon. We've ALL been there. Why can't we just admit it? Young people are crying out for a song with a message like this that they can identify with. Also, I've pretty much nailed 'Puff the Magic Dragon' . . . It's been a prolific month for me."

Asked if she has any songs planned for the future, Abeln responded. "You know, I like to keep edgy. Current. So I'm going to be focusing on pieces that have been neglected by history, like "Running Bear", "Call of the Wild Goose" or "North to Alaska" . . . you know. Stuff that the kids nowadays really 'dig'. Because it's 'happening' and 'groovy'. Man. And yes, I am considering a re-working of 'Purple People Eater'. "

Her accompanyist, Jefe Engeman, could not be reached for comment.

For the full lyrics of "The Unicorn, click here.

Snow Falls Early in the Hills

Snow fell in the Black Hills less than a week after the last wedding guest departed the HIA. Unfortunately I did not have a camera with me to show the stunning view of snow in the branches of the pines and the mist rising off Deerfield Lake early Monday morning, September 10. But don't worry about us. It got over 90 again yesterday.

Oops, I did It Again..

I got all bitter
Cause no one ever posts
To the HIA anymore
(Except Boomer and Sassmaster and me....)

It's all true

After a whirlwind courtship, Mully and Sunbutter were wed on September 1st. In a small ,yet delightful outdoor ceremony in one of the more exclusive Hermosa neighborhoods. (check out Sassmaster for more exclusive photos)

The Song

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes - Annie's Song Lyrics




[Originally by John Denver]

You fill up my senses

Like a night in the forest

Like the mountains in springtime

Like a walk in the rain

Like a storm in the desert

Like a sleepy blue ocean

You fill up my senses

Come and fill me again

Come let me love you

Let me give my life to you

Let me drown in your laughter

Let me die in your arms

Let me lay down beside you

Let me always be with you

Come let me love you

Come and love me again

You pay my expenses

I lay down beside you

I let you get on me

I laugh at your jokes

Come let me love you

Let me give my life to you

You're throwing feces

Come and fill me again




More Me First And The Gimme Gimmes Lyrics...

Ashley Grigg Wins "Best of the West - Painting" Award

Ashley poses in front of her winning painting with its subject, her uncle Willy Grigg. The piece was selected, along with others, from the West River Art Festival held in April at the Pennington County Fairgrounds to show in "The Best of the West" exhibit of High School art at the Dahl Fine Arts Center. In May she was awarded "Best Painting" and $25.
More of Ashley's art can be seen at a web page created by her sister, Kathy Grigg found at
www.d.umn.edu/~grigg034/5230/client/

This One's For You....

...original Sassmaster (aka Mully)



link via Whiskey Marie

Design Idea from Medora, ND

Take a rock or piece of petrified wood, circle it with patriotic petunias, circle the petunias with more rocks stuck in concrete, circle the concrete with a wood walkway, and then place a few benches around the walkway to ensure comfortable rock-viewing.

Cheeky Border Sauce Hot

Don't you know I am already taken...

John Henry Day 2007

Exceeding the maximum fun allowed by law...we will be partying so hard, it might be alot like work. You may also want to bring some karaoke music should you want to sing. I have figured out it will be impossible for me to put together a playlist that is going to be expansive enough for our group, so please if you want to sing any particular song or songs..please bring said songs with you. That is all. And don't forget your ridiculously hot outfit.

I will blame Denise..

for it was Denise who recognized the magic of the John Henry Day story, and breathed life into the HIA(a term that was first used by Daniel Mintzlaff, in the year 1993) Denise, you are a witchy woman.

Beating the Heat Last Weekend

Temperatures remained high over the weekend, reaching at least 105 degrees in Rapid. However, hanging about in the shade of various rocks behind Sylvan Lake was pleasant, with temperatures perhaps in the high 80's to low 90's.

Pictured above are friends of Denise who had just completed a morning's worth of climbing before the sun drove them away (to Hill City to have Bomb Pops),

OR

They are strangers who happened to be wandering about and agreed to have their picture taken so Denise could make the HIA audience think she knows people who do fun things.

What do YOU think? Should we have a poll?

Oh yeah, in other news, that same day there was a really hot fire out Nemo by Steamboat Rock that was getting ready to take out the Rolling Hills subdivision when
a 6 million dollar rain knocked it down.

You must check this out...

http://www.mulesandmore.com/

there is hope for star-wranglers/hustlers everywhere...and for the HIA, 2007 is the year.

C'mon Star Wranglers

Are you really gonna let the star hustlers win? Get off your sweet lil' asses and VOTE!

Now Is the Time for Action

Let us bring back the taste sensation that IS the Cheetos Cheesy Checker. Call 1-800-352-4477, from 9-4:30 Central Time, and ask the representative to bring back the Checker. The "Dangerously Cheesy" shape whose absense has left a hole in our lives. You might also want to visit Frito Lay. com.

I only have 1 thing to say about Treasure Island, FL

too many cops.

(not the man) Science in Action

Theodore Roosevelt National Park, ND. Researchers from the Forest Service and National Park Service gathered to compare the quantity of 5 favorite snacks of the elk herd to the quantity of the same said snacks in previous years. None of these snacks were tequila.

The technician pictured is sending a signal to aliens who have a more precise memory than humans, so that when the researchers return in future years the aliens will be able to help direct them to the exact sites. They still will be looking for a nail in a hayfield, but it will be a smaller area of hayfield to look through.

A Cute Dog If Not "The Cutest Ever"

Meet Bob Barker. He lives with Betty Barker, Amigo the Cat, and three humans in Rapid City, SD. When he was very young he broke one of his front legs jumping ON to a couch. He now has the habit of often holding his once broken leg up. While sitting, this gives him the affect of modesty as he hides his boy parts from view.

how cute

is my butt in these pants? if you would like to vote in my cute-butt poll, just visit mullypalooza (once again, by viewing my profile)

Calling All Grasshoppers

I need all you all floating like butterflies and stinging like bees(tall order for grasshoppers, i know) by John Henry Day weekend. Word on the street, is there will be a wake for JH himself. You will need to bring tents and sleeping materials...wait, forget that, Hermosa is the land of no sleep..also make sure to bring at least 1 ridiculously HOT outfit. Be there or be square, seriously. So do what you need to do to get your sweet lil' asses in shape.

Another Reason to Like North Dakota

Theodore Roosevelt National Park is a gorgeous refuge for wildlife and people looking for low-population-density breathing room. This year is particularly lush due to them getting more than their rightful share of rainfall, unlike their dry dry southern cousins in the Black Hills.

Got Questions? Need Sound Advice on All Manner of Topics?

The advice blog formerly known as "i have an answer for that" is now known as "Lick O' Sense" We are new and improved with only 6% points of incorrectness. Should you want advice on any specific topic, just e-mail Mully and she will give it to you. To find "Lick O' Sense" just visit my profile. (At Lick O' Sense, your privacy is always protected by the use of "code names")

Announcement

Abeln and HIA spokesmodel Molly A. Wortham announced today July 16, 2007, that the Abeln formerly known as Lincoln T. Abeln will now be known as Jason D. Walker. That is all.

Sasstactics-101, or Where's the Sass?

Oralando, FL...Colonial Dr. AKA US 50. exact address unknown..different Starbucks, different day.
The day is July 15, 2007. An old school sass-slinger walks into the joint, which is overly-air-conditioned, she wears a tank top, no bra......
she gets no sass. Where's the sass youngster, they're just nipples.

Request for Streamlined Blog Reading

Would one of you blog-savvy sorts out there consider putting links to our authors' other pages along the side? It is starting to be very tiresome going to everybody's profile to get to their other sites. Of course, in mully's case, it might be best to not link to every one of her seperate blogs until after the intervention. (we may want to consider enlisting the help of the Starbuck's dude for that) Thanks.

Sincerely, Boomer

More Library Cool

Further librarian shenanigans over at the Unshelved Blog -- a Pimp My Bookcart contest. Behold the grand prize winner:

Severe Sassing Prompts Tiny Firearm Purchase

In these uncertain times, sometimes you just have to take steps to protect yourself. Hey lil' starbucks dude, I'll be your huckleberry.

Site of Severe Starbucks Sassing Pinpointed

Government officials have recently released the details of the actual site of the recent Starbucks sassing that took place in Sarasota, FL on the afternoon of July 8th, 2007.

“The information we have on the situation identifies the site as shown on the accompanying picture. As you can see, this would seem to indicate a drive-by sassing - a disturbing trend that we have noticed has become increasingly prevalent in built-up, humid areas of the country. It may be related to so-called ‘sock-free’ lifestyle that so many of our young people are embracing,” one government official revealed.

With trembling voice, he continued, “We are becoming more concerned by this trend and the severity of the sassing in this incident would put this at Sass-Con 2. We are advising less-sassy individuals to stay indoors and only travel if it is absolutely necessary. Although we had high hopes during Memorial Day holiday this year that this sort of urban bee-stinging/butterfly-floating had abated, it is now clear that the Sass-Com Level 5 we experienced then was a mere blip.”

“While we have no ‘official profiling’, we are interested in speaking to individuals who are seeking to graduate from high school or who work in thrift stores. If you know just such a ’sassy’ individual who has recently indulged in caffeine, please do not approach or confront them and risk incurring their sass. Simply contact your nearest law enforcement official.”

Photo: Al Fish

I've Been Served, Venti Size
I will not soon forget this day that will live in infamy.
4:20 PM Sarasota, FL, specifically 1375 Tamiami Trail
a young punk in a Starbucks uniform,
I took a vicious, unprecedented sassing, and i just kept coming back for more.
It was Liston vs. Clay but it was not I floating like a butterfly, nor was it I stinging like a bee...
I will see you again, young Starbucks dude...

Bend Over, Shake the Dewey off Your Decimal

Call it Career Daze here on the HIA. Or, Take Your Slacker Friends To Work. If MoS Jef hasn't completely blinded you with his science, take a mo to read a li'l feature on the NYT about liberryians.

Clearly, many of us well-acquainted with the hipster cred of li- and guybrarianship already knew pub lib workers and MLIS'ers had it going on. It begs the related question -- how is it that so many HIAers manage to be so very far ahead of -- if not even full innovators for -- the trends that are very important in shaping our world today?

Hey, Nostra-dumbass, try to tell HIAers something we don't already know.

"A Hipper Crowd of Shushers"

Woo! Hoo! Science is Going to St. Louis

Currently dubbed the "most dangerous city in America," St. Louis will shortly be known as the "most awesomely scientific city in America" because the annual meeting of the American Society of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists (commonly called "Ichs and Herps") is coming to town.

Watch out St. Louis! Don' be givin' us no sucktitude or we will SCIENCE YOU UP! Mother F'ers!

Man of Science is looking forward to all the lovely lady scientists who will be throwing themselves at him after seeing his fab power point presentation: "Preliminary Observations on the Development of the Gill Arches in Catostomus commersoni: chondrification of the copulae and ossification of the basibranchials." Which pretty much proves that god exists and her name is Agnes and she lives on a small island off the coast of Greenland.

Most appropriate that Man of Science will be talking about gill arches in the city of the arch. But that's science for you--always appropriate.

Breaking News!

Due to R. Abeln's withdrawl of herself as judge for any upcoming Ass-Off
competitions, the call has been put out for a new celebrity judge.
Sir Mix A Lot has expressed a certain interest, and negotiations are ongoing.

SCIENCE KNOWS NO HOLIDAY

While millions across the nation celebrate Independence Day by frolicking in grass bestrewn parks swilling beer and potato salad, the dedicated Man of Science celebrates his Independence by diligently remaining at his microscope.

There are no holidays in the pursuit of knowledge. The true Man of Science knows that he can never rest, never take his ease, never let the pursuit wane, for knowledge is like the elusive ivory-billed woodpecker, or the shy lynx, or the sorority girl with only half-a-beer in her system—one must be relentless in the chase or one’s prey will slip through one’s fingers like summer sweat.

Little do the unwashed millions of non-scientists know that as they sit with rolls of fat poking through the weave gaps in their lawn-chairs, and as they stumble to the port-a-potty to relieve their beer distended bladders, and as they “ooh” and “aah” and ogle monkey-like the fireworks exploding above them; little do the mealy-minded masses know that as they unpack coolers and argue the rules of badminton, the dedicated Man of Science works tirelessly for the improvement of their lives.

For who else will stand before the great night, his razor-like mind keeping the darkness at bay? Who else will shine the light of reason into the superstition befouled minds of America, curing the terrors of sloppy thinking? Who but the Man of Science will spend his 4th of July taking pictures of the developing gill arches of Catostomus commersoni—the white suckerfish?



He does this for knowledge. He does this for truth. He does this for YOU my fellow Americans.

He does this because his advisor will kick his ass if he hasn’t made progress in collecting his data when she returns from vacation tomorrow.

I have confessed my love of sunbutter to a total stranger

The checkout girl at the Chamberlain's Natural Foods Market asked me if sunbutter was good....i told her how much i love sunbutter, and of my intentions to marry it.
Sierra was not at all shocked. She merely said, sometimes you can't help what you love.

Carol Hardesty Is Going To Be Very Proud of Me Someday

These summer days, they grow so long at the thrift shop, during the many hours when I have no one in the store, I am using my time very wisely by practicing my singing, dancing, and general performance skills to the songs of the 70's. (please note this is different than when I was just quietly singing while customers were present, just to be annoying) Think Tom Cruise in Risky Business, only I am not in my underpants, though I am wearing sunglasses. When my big break comes I will be ready Carol, I won't miss my calling a second time.

Do YOU have a Philosophy? . . .

. . . Or a motto that you live by?

If so, let me know and YOU could be the star of a suspiciously pleased cartoon.

Swearing is encouraged!!

Win a Spot at the Hermosa Old Folks Home!

By answering this question. Why is this date June 26th, signifigant?
*free spot won by 1st correct answer only

HIA Cartoonist Reveals Latest Work's Brilliance, Meanness

HIA Cartoonist R. Abeln has recently unveiled her latest work on her MySpace page. According to Abeln, her latest visual piece is remarkable in both it's sheer genius and also it's utter cruelty - to the artist herself.

"Sure it's mean - but that's what artists do, right? They suffer for their art. In my case literally. Because I view my whole life as a piece of performance art. As do others. Well. At least I assume so by their reactions to me."

Abeln's revolutionary work can be seen at myspace.com/suspiciouslypleased

John Henry Day 2007

Hermosa, SD. You should be there.

Murdered Rock, Injured Stone Are Latest Casualties Of Cute Ass Training Program

Hospitalized Brick could not be reached for comment.

New Unauthorized Autobiography Sheds Light, Tears

David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.