Sisters Wonder How Obsessive Snow-Shoveling Is Going..

Macbeth + The Simpsons = MacHomer

What is one to make of this?:

This one-man vocal spectacular features impressions of over 50 voices from TV`s The Simpsons in a hilarious performance of Shakespeare`s Macbeth! With a script which remains 85% Shakespeare, MacHomer will leave you "exhausted with laughter" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette).

It's coming to St. Paul, and Tris thinks we should go see it. Is the potential for disaster too great? What would you advise?

Dreams of Going Sock-Free In House Crash Against Freezing Cold Floors

St. Paul, MN -- Temperatures rising into the 40s led area homeowner Mary Connor to hope that she might, for the first time in several months, go without socks in her house. "I usually wear at least one pair plus slippers, 'cause otherwise I lose feeling in my toes," Connor explained. "Since it was thawing this week, I'd hoped to let the tootsies breath a little. But the floors are still freezing." She also noted that it'd be nice to wear fewer than three sweaters at a time.

She mused, "I guess if I lived in Florida, this wouldn't be a problem."

andmore

are u sick of the paper pictures yet?

more paper

another piece o paper

Proud of my paper

Since I have made some more paper, I thought I would take close ups of each sheet. And since boomer and greg acted interested, I decided to post them. I wish you could feel the paper too.

Now My Darlings We Will Visit the Swamp

Visitors to Chez Wortham can also expect a tour of the local swamp, where delightful sights abound. Your guide Gregoire is sure to illuminate all the points of interest(mostly gators) Look out for chiggers!

Disney World Tickets, Check

Molly Wortham has been quite busy planning for her sister's first visit to Florida. The excitement builds as the day of her arrival draws near. "Renee has left me in charge of the intinerary, and I know for sure that a Florida trip would not be complete without a visit to the wonderful world of Disney, lucky for us, Florida residents can get these awesome deals. You can stay all day long and just soak up the fun. There are all kind of rides, and characters, and excited midwestern children all over the place. I know this would be just the thing to cure her wintertime/apocalyptic blues".
Molly's other plans for her sister include a volunteer opportunity at a local thrift shop, clearing the yard of palm fronds, and posing for cute pictures.

gregory is a whiny little bitch

Sorry, I forgot that this is the HIA News.

I Got Screwed

I got screwed out of a leftover spicey chicken breast from Popeyes. Molly ate it. I just wanted everyone to know.

segersteen

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then and when I get old I hope I don't sit around thinking about it, but I probably will

Where's the Love?

It's on Flickr! Dig the valentines for single girls.

Heart that.

Vermillion Librarian Knits, prepares for apocalypse

According to reliable sources in Siouxland, a Vermillion librarian has spent the last two days watching 3 Matrix movies and 2 Resident Evil movies and Constantine while knitting afghans.

When asked for comment, she reportedly said "Look. I'm a few steps ahead of the rest of you. I can see the future, man. You can believe what you like. All I know is, when climate change hits, and when the Matrix begomes apparent, and when the T-virus hits our streets and the demons began to cross over into our realm due to the assistance of a vengeful angel . . . then who'll look crazy for knitting all the afghans and scarves?? Yeah. That's right. All of you are gonna be all 'Oh, I wish I had a scarf, I wish I thought to make knitted throw to protect me from machines with AI and the Nemesis project and Mammon, the son of Satan . . . .' . . and I'll be all like, 'Too bad, suckas!! I only got enough knitted goods for me!! And Keanu. Beat it, losers!! . . . yeah, I'll be right with ya, Keanu.... do you need another afghan?' "

Sources close to the Librarian indicate she has been eating a lot of procressed chees lately, which may account for her warped state of mind. Authorities are monitoring the situation and a knitting intervention is planned. Local video rental agencies have be advised not to let her rent any movie with apocalyptic content or starring Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves' agents have been alerted as a security precaution.

Welcome Josiah Osiris!

We at the HIA look forward to your brilliance.

WInter Haiku

It seems there have been some stress related posts lately. In fact, I would submit that regardless of the Uppity bullshit from my first post, the Uppitiness in this blog is unrestrained. As a protocol of relaxation I suggest repeating this mantra at least 15 times during a 3o minute timeout you give yourself.

The snow is deeper than my dog is tall
Push it, push it
Fuck that, fuck'em all

And for the doubters, that is a Haiku on two levels - nature is invoked and there is an emotional ending. Wish I had some visuals to add.

Cheez-Its Christ

Mully, you KNOW what the people are like on the Plains. . . Try as you may, you can't bully genius, mon petite provocateur. Meanwhile, I do want to point out that the name IS "A Shining Example of Human Potential," not "A Shining Example of Human Productivity."

Gregg, I thought you had a stinky pickled sausage monkey on your back. Man, Florida has really changed you. Next you'll be dining on top-shelf potted meat product, or, *gasp* blue ribbon headcheese. Some Swissian buys some of your art, and two weeks later you totally sell out, dude. It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Dusty Hot-Box Needs To Bring Us Some News!

Dusty Hot-Box, not heard from since her brilliant work concerning the spread of tapeworming(which Al illustrated to such great effect in the last HIA News that we were somehow labeled "raunchtastic" ) has yet to post to the new HIA. We need your insights Dusty!

Suspiciously Pleased Must Be Quite Suspicious About Posting to This Blog

We just can't go on together with suspicious minds, we at the Hia news really want to know what what you have to say. You may think that commenting on your everyday life is self-absorbed. Sister, that is what blogging is all about! Once you do it, it is really cool. Do it. No, really, just do it.

Shining Example of Human Potential Has Yet to Show That Potential in the Hia News Format

The masses are waiting...

Another Question

Why are librarians so bitter?

Question-just a simplw question

Does anyone else out there have a processed cheese monkey on their backs or is it just me?

Emo Teen and Two Adults Latest Victims of Mind Control

RAPID CITY, SD. The mysterious entity responsible for making millions of people run for no apparent reason grasped control of 3 more residents this past week. While she had known many victims over the past 30 years, local woman, Denise Hardesty, had previously believed herself to be immune to such attacks. "There was no piercing noise, bright light, nor sharp pain in my head. I really don't know how they do it. One minute I'm making polite conversation about some race flyers on the kitchen table, the next minute I have a training schedule in one hand, a telephone in the other and I'm asking my niece if she wants to run a 1/2 marathon with me." The niece, Ashley Grigg, confimed the report but indicated a potential weakness in the mind-control-by-phone-line as she first believed she would merely be helping her aunt, not actually racing herself. Unfortunately for Grigg's father, former victim Brian Grigg, who had been free of mind control for 8 years, conversation about the race occurred in the vicinity of the couch he was lounging on and the next thing he knew he was outside running with the other two victims. The 3 have completed their first week of training and, though still bewildered, remain in high spirits. Hardesty claims one should remain positive claiming, "There's still hope we can regain control of our faculties before we reach double digit mileage." "It's ok, running's cool." added the younger Grigg.

Biblical Clairity

Howdy folks!
With Ramses the talk of the town I thought I could use this as an excellent opportunity to show just what a damned good Christian I am. additionally I thought I could sweep up to the moral high ground and look down upon all you lowly sinners and your wicked, wicked ways-cause you know Jesus loves everyone-but I'm His favorite.

Behold! Rendered masterfully in fine highly detailed (yet still perfectly understandable for all of you non arty folk) sculpture are the exciting (and completely true) biblical stories you have either come to know and love or cower in fear of our precious savior. Each vignette a purpose filled moral lesson told from a marvelous medium.

I present to you-to save your souls-
http://www.thebricktestament.com/judges/index.html#gang_rape_and_dismemberment

The Right Reverend Buk Wessul

Delayed Comment

A few days back, when Mully clued us in on the Swiss art-lover named Ramses, I commented that Al should make the requisite condom joke. He did:

you are so well read! i didn't even think about 'ramses' being the name of a condom.

i don't know who should be more embarrassed; me for not knowing such a thing, or you for wasting your time reading condom wrappers. i envision you reading the back of the package the same way children read the back of cereal boxes...staring at it unblinkingly while chewing listlessly at the contents.

(He sent it via e-mail so as to spare me the pain of humiliation in a public forum, but it was too funny to keep to myself. It's guilt-free, Al!)

Try the New Jason Blog Post

Now more delusional, with less bitterness and extra sarcasm. Includes cute dog!

Greetings from the home country

Forty degrees is returning to the great western Dakota today. I don't think I will go sockless and I might even wear a jacket. The cutest dog in the world will be getting a bath, but she won't mind in these temps.

Unsuspecting Models Lured into North Woods for Unusual Fashion Show

Two naive Midwesterners were taken on a extraordinary trip last fall, when a suave fellow from the East persuaded them to model what he called "a new line of winter sporting goods" on a photo shoot in the north woods of Minnesota.
"You wouldn't believe how far we had to go for these pictures," exclaimed Denise Hardesty, one of the hard working models. "We canoed for days just to take a couple of shots. There was no crew to carry our stuff, except this one guy, Ben, and we all slept in the same tent. It was a little weird."
"Yeah, and you shoulda seen these clothes," said Mary Connor, who is shown here in a fetching hunter-orange poncho. "I mean a teal hat and pink and maroon striped gloves with all that orange? Who's this guy think he is? Donatella Versace?"
"What about me?!" Hardesty added. "Cucumber green with violet and yellow accessories?! Even Backpacker Today won't go for that!"
The models say that they lived in harsh conditions for a week, dealing with cold, snow, and wind, though it wasn't all bad. "Most of the skin on my face chapped after a week of cold and blowing snow," Connor explained. "I saved a lot of money on dermabrasion."
"Yeah and all that paddling got my arms really toned," Hardesty noted. "But we still haven't gotten paid. What's up with that?"
The shadowy Easterner, known to the women as "Joe," could not be reached for comment.

the polyhedrons with photo

check out this site to see all archimedian solids. http://mathworld.wolfram.com/ArchimedeanSolid.html

PAPER (handmade)

Okay, now I get how to post pictures...good grief. this goes with the article I posted.

my light bright xmas tree

I dont get why the pictures arent posting. okay I figured it out. This is my xmas tree outside. reminds me of lite brite.

Paper Made from Native Plants in Kansas

I took a picture of a sampling of some of the paper I have made. The top row is Thistle Fluff, common milkweed stem, Stinging nettle stem, River bulrush leaves, Dogbane stem, butterfly milkweed stem, osage orange bark, mulberry bark, whorled milkweed stem, smooth milkweed stem, and swamp milkweed stem.

Polyhedrons

Working in the Topeka school system I learned first hand in second grade that a person could make three dimensional shapes using simple sipping straws and twist ties.

I thought, wouldn't it be fun to make a triangular pyramid and a cube. Next I wanted to make a shape using a regular pentagon. THus was born the famous Lisa Simpson polyhedron -- the dodecahedron. Then I thought , what will I get with a regular hexagon. After much building I realized...nothing, it just makes a plane.

Here is a pic of some of the polyhedrons I made.

Now it was time to research polyhedrons on the web. I discovered there are only 5 regular convex polyhedra - the tetrahedron, hexahedron(cube), octahedron, dodecahedron, and icosahedron.

Next I learned about archimedian solids...they are made of multiple regular polygons, like squares combined with triangles.

Monsters Are Super-Excited to Finally Meet Renee

Fidel and Rosa can hardly contain themselves at the thought of meeting Renee. They are counting the days until her arrival. Their plans include licking her and jumping up on her.

Tupperware! the Documentary, Leads Netflix Subscriber to a Moment of Self-Discovery

Realizing she was pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel to fill her queue, Molly Wortham made a solemn vow to "get a life". Which she fully intends to do as soon as soon as she is finished watching the HBO series about a polygamist family.

Scenes from Happenin' Vermtown

Al Suave

Al Especial

Jefe & Renee Sizzlin'

Jefe Impressing Lee

Oogie Oogie Oogie

Who Is This Man?

Chicas Calientes

Some of Us Don't Have to Try So Hard

Renee Gettin' Religion

MmmmrreOW!

Luscious Lindy

Rumpus Room!

Friend Tries to Make Other Friend Feel Bad About Killing Alot of Boxelder Bugs(even though she killed them like 8 years ago)

Denise Hardesty(aka the lil' bitch) recently sent her friend Molly Wortham a 40th birthday present. The present included an anti-aging skin care product(loved it, it worked wonders) and some sort of propaganda about the harmlessness, even benevolence of boxelder bugs, written poetically by some minnesotan...with parts underlined about how they never hurt anyone. I did kill an awful lot of those little creatues. Maybe she is right, maybe it is poetic justice that I live the the land of giant palmetto bugs(aka cockroaches), mosquitos in January, fire ants in my driveway...I'm so sorry boxelder bugs......that is what I am thinking as I crush various Florida insects under my sandal-clad feet(now that it is february and I no longer am forced to wear socks).

Great, Another Excuse for Iowan To Not Visit Florida

Recent sneak tornados that strike in the middle of the night will surely give well-known Iowan Kevin Klagge another reason to not visit Florida. Past excuses included hurricanes, gator attacks, christians, bugs, heat, people not wearing socks, and elderly drivers.

Temps dropping from cotton to wool socks

Last night I had dinner at Evelyn's with Merle's daughters and grandaughter. The younger daughter, Cristi?, was showing us her rather fancy MySpace page complete with slideshow. One of the pictures fading up through the star cut-out was that of everybody's favorite cousin. In this land of free association I wondered why he was wearing such a conservative blue shirt. I always think of Merle in those bright, verging on neon, striped western shirts. Then I thought of him as Parade Marshall at the Hermosa 4th of July Parade and remembered the shrine to the small engine with the flat-bed trailer carrying all those two-stroke engines merrily chugging away and then I tried to remember who threw better candy, the Republicans or the Democrats? or was it all the same?

Speaking of the Amish...

Guess who looks like he is going on rumplespringer(whatever they call it)

Dreams of Having a Molly-Rubbing-It-In-Your-Face-That-You-Don't-Live-In-A-Tropical-Paradise-Free Lifestyle Crushed By Latest Blog Posting

Mully, our prayers our with you. Please let us know if we need to arrange a relief-drop of thick socks and cold-weather hosiery.

Mike and I Were Almost Amish Yesterday

So we have a convertor box for the TEEvee and the DVD player, and one or more of the cats chewed through the adapter cord. Back in my day, replacing a jack just meant going to the store and buying a jack, however, because "techmology is very important in our world today," adaptors now come with a host of plug-in's and warnings about not reversing the polarities, or one will blow out the electricity for the entire tri-county area.

So Mike took the be-chewed adaptor to the Walls of Mart, and the electronics dude gave him forewarnings as mentioned above about the doom and destruction he would wreak upon the earth were we to buy the wrong adaptor.

Last night we ventured back to WalMart with the entire convertor box to make sure we did not flirt with the apocolypse. On the way, I wondered if we would get a clerk who would look at us askance and just be like, "Um, yeah, you just need this thing. It's $3.99 American dollars. You can take it to the counter and they'll ring it up for you."

My worry was that the initial dude just freaked us out and that buying the jack wasn't that big of a deal, and that by bringing in the entire convertor, Mike and I would look like we had just ridden our buggy three hours into town to ask the worldy ones if the spirits inside the little black box that bring the evil talking pictures into our home had perished.

"Is God punishing us for when Michael Patrick took up the saw that is fueled by the oil of Satan at Abraham's barn raising last fall?" we would beseech the freaked-out clerk. "Would the people inside the box return if we read enough scripture?"

"Does it make God angry that we look to the demon cube during His harsher winters when our fingers are too numb for cross-stitch or whittling toys for the kinder? We fear He will not heed our prayers; prithee, will you tell Him that we only gaze upon This Old House, and only after He cast away the Baywatch?"

Fortunately, we got a gearhead clerk who was excited to tell us about the features on our new adaptor and why we had chosen the perfect jack for our television-viewing needs. So last night I saw "The Jerk" for the first time. I know -- I'm the last American child of the 70's who hadn't seen it. I can't believe I lived a life without knowing the horrors of kitten juggling.