But can he bring it on with this axe?

Consider Yerself broughtnened'El Jeffe

Floridians Turn to Palm Wood and Furry Friends to Survive the Horrible Winter of '09

A Kayaking Adventure for Gregory and Denise

Listening to instructions

almost ready to set off...

and that was the last we ever saw of Denise

And that was the last we ever saw of Gregory.
Actually, they had a fine time. They paddled out
to Caladesi Island, even in the very tricky mangrove
areas. They got pretty tired.

wow.

The Great Barrier Reef, just above Queensland, Australia

The view from the boat

I was able to get in on a helicopter over the reef where we were

view from about 500 feet up

Denise is probably a spy

After carefully weighing the information around in my suspicious little mind, I have come to the conclusion that I think Denise is a spy. Probably for the NSA or something. Follow me Gents and Ladies on a tour of the facts.
1. She has a job with benefits?
2. Full time job with a company or "organization" ? (she hasn't really explained it.
Fact # 3. Jason Walker (shrewd civic information gatherer) wasn't able to pry more than the merest murky details from her over casual conversation other than:
A) She has a company truck
B) She drives to work, and back in her "company" truck.
C) She probably has dark sunglasses and a briefcase (sure key element for any spy)
D) Its' just plain odd for someone to have a good job in South Dakota or Whyoming.
E) Codename "Boomer". (wonder if this gives a little insight into her real job.
F) I'm going to switch back to numbers now.
4) There are probably many more subtle clues for those of you that have the opportunity to study her moves.

I won't call it spying, I only ask this of you patriotic citizens out there-keep an eye out and let me know what she is up to...

and Boomer if you ever read this-we're on to you.

Cat 5 Bitch Twister sets down near Yeehaw Junction

"It came from g'damn nowhere" said Floridian G. Wortham.

"After a stop in YeeHaw Junction headed towards Ft. Lauderdale, I was driving and all of a sudden this Catagory 5 Bitch Twister sets down right beside me. Let me tell you, a mini cooper is mighty tight quarters for a Bitch Twister to go off in".

"It was hard to determine exactly what was going on with all of the profanity, klenex, and sandals flying about the compartment, but I think stepping in chewing gum was the cause."

"Gum...on a sandal..."

Mullypalooza Announces Plans to Skip Midwest for 08 Tour

Citing a lackluster appreciation of her message, scheduling conflicts, and environmental concerns, Mullypalooza publicists made clear that she would not be visiting the midwest in 2008. Mullypalooza will instead be hooking up with Bono on an IKEA-sponsored tour, bringing the inspiration of Scandinavian design to inner-city youth and unwed mothers.

Precious Moments, or a Beginner's Guide to Speaking Trailergentsia

Last night Renee, Al, Jefe, Jon, and I were at a fire party, and one of our Verm friends was aksing how long Renee and I had known each other. Nee and I always freak a bit when we have to admit it's been almost 20 years. We met in Vermillion in 1989, when she was a rising star in the theatre department and I was a hapless Spanish/theatre/psych major before I fled to the bright lights/big city of the Minneapple. That was also the year I met Mully, Jefe, Al, and Gregg.

Sometimes, when I think of certain Trailergentsia/HIA stories, I must laugh aloud. The other day whilst driving (my students always write "whilst" -- wot up wid dat?) I was for whatever reason recalling the night before Eldora's (Mama Abeln) funeral, when Renee and I were sharing a full bed and I had tried molesting her in my sleep. In the morning, with the covers pulled up to her little nose, big eyes peeping out, Renee said, "Um, Katy? Um....last night you tried to have your way with me."

I recoiled in horror at my own behavior. Clearly my oversexed psyche was trying to take advantage of Renee's vulnerable state. Poor Renee, thinking she would find comfort and succor from her trusted friend, was instead shamed and violated by my nocturnal lasciviousness. But then, I realized, God, would it have killed her to put out a little? I mean, I was stressed and worried too. But that's Nee, always thinking of herself.

T'other day Mike and I were driving in central residential Vermillion when we passed a house that I realized was the original site of the "bepaned portals." Shore 'nuff, I looked at the interesting windowstry on the abode, and there they were, in all their be-glassed, see-through-ishness glory. I told Mike I thought maybe it was a sign that the Trailergentsia/members of the HIA may need to start recording our history for the ages.

Another thing that made me giggle aloud as I was driving on Cherry Street last night was the time a whole gaggle of us were chowing at Cherry Street Grille in the late '90s. Mully and Gregg had recently taken a trip to Belize, and were chatting about their adventures. Gregg was puzzling aloud over one of the features of this tropical community, and Mully attempted to sate his curiousity by saying, "Welll, Gregory, you know how it is on the penninsulahhr..." She sounded like a freaking Kennedy, I shit you negative. And now she and Gregg live in a tropical paradise, and she's in upper management and Europeans have discovered Gregg's art, and well, little did we know Mully was portending of the future.

It Has Been a John Henry 3 Weeks(especially for Gregory)

Work continues on the bathroom re-modeling, it will probably end up to be a John Henry Month. As you all may have heard, Gregg tore out the bathroom and built a brand new one. Be watching for the before/after photo spread, if there ever is an after...the HIA will be the first to know. The new bathroom is very space-age, with many technological improvements. Rebuilding a bathroom is sort of intense, especially when you only have one. Our time estimates for finishing were somewhat overly optimistic, and we continue to work on it and go to work too. I have not meant to neglect the HIA, but figuring out where I am going to shower next has taken up alot of my time and energy. (Personal hygiene is a priority for me.)Anyway, I hope to get that photo spread to you this weekend!

Underemployed Sculptor Whores Himself Out-Again

Yeah, I herd there was a chance to design the commemorative center for a bunch of Wads. Whads. Whatever. So I whipped up these drawings to show to my potential clients the proposed designs for their center. Initially the concept revolved around a snowshovel design-the scoop making a nice graceful arc to shade a person from the weather. I was thinking along the lines of the Sydney Opera house except with tin sheeting instead of stainless steel.
One of them, I think it was Nee said it looked like a halfassed homeless shelter. The other one-The Blonde says "Homeless "shed" Nee"- then they both started cackling-you know how they are...
The next designs worked around the forms they are accustomed to -themselves-"Now you're getting somewhere" one of them said excitedly. So I went with a sunglass motif-The front of the lenses would be an observation deck, while on the "inside" there would be huge projected images of Nee and Mully. One image per lense. Cool. they really liked that one.
The one that looks like the profile of the two is what I think they will settle on. They liked the idea of it being carved out of carera marble and trimmed out in formica banding. A nice touch I have to add. Mully expressed an interest at this point and recomended they forget about the WADS and just have a martini and sushi bar inside instead.

Proud of my paper

Since I have made some more paper, I thought I would take close ups of each sheet. And since boomer and greg acted interested, I decided to post them. I wish you could feel the paper too.

Now My Darlings We Will Visit the Swamp

Visitors to Chez Wortham can also expect a tour of the local swamp, where delightful sights abound. Your guide Gregoire is sure to illuminate all the points of interest(mostly gators) Look out for chiggers!

gregory is a whiny little bitch

Sorry, I forgot that this is the HIA News.

I Got Screwed

I got screwed out of a leftover spicey chicken breast from Popeyes. Molly ate it. I just wanted everyone to know.

Cheez-Its Christ

Mully, you KNOW what the people are like on the Plains. . . Try as you may, you can't bully genius, mon petite provocateur. Meanwhile, I do want to point out that the name IS "A Shining Example of Human Potential," not "A Shining Example of Human Productivity."

Gregg, I thought you had a stinky pickled sausage monkey on your back. Man, Florida has really changed you. Next you'll be dining on top-shelf potted meat product, or, *gasp* blue ribbon headcheese. Some Swissian buys some of your art, and two weeks later you totally sell out, dude. It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Question-just a simplw question

Does anyone else out there have a processed cheese monkey on their backs or is it just me?

Biblical Clairity

Howdy folks!
With Ramses the talk of the town I thought I could use this as an excellent opportunity to show just what a damned good Christian I am. additionally I thought I could sweep up to the moral high ground and look down upon all you lowly sinners and your wicked, wicked ways-cause you know Jesus loves everyone-but I'm His favorite.

Behold! Rendered masterfully in fine highly detailed (yet still perfectly understandable for all of you non arty folk) sculpture are the exciting (and completely true) biblical stories you have either come to know and love or cower in fear of our precious savior. Each vignette a purpose filled moral lesson told from a marvelous medium.

I present to you-to save your souls-
http://www.thebricktestament.com/judges/index.html#gang_rape_and_dismemberment

The Right Reverend Buk Wessul

Reality

This handsome young lad is now old and stale.

Learn More About Swiss People

The Swiss, well known for chocolate, bank accounts, and their precious neutrality can now add fabulous taste in art to that list.
A Swiss stranger known only as Ramses, recently walked into the Melvin Gallery at Florida Southern College. There he become enthralled by the genius of the sculptures of Gregory Wortham. This led him to gaze upon them longingly, which then led him to purchase 2 sculptures for his private collection in Geneva. This led the Hia News to declare the Swiss the coolest ever.