Party On

It seems a shame to knock the Phallic Phrog out of the top spot, but the people demand party pics. Go here for the family-friendly version. HIA is where things get a little blue.
















"Sounds like a bash only losers would miss."
-Denise

I Hope You Are Happy Al.

On Monday We Explored Female Masterbation

John Henry Day 2007

Exceeding the maximum fun allowed by law...we will be partying so hard, it might be alot like work. You may also want to bring some karaoke music should you want to sing. I have figured out it will be impossible for me to put together a playlist that is going to be expansive enough for our group, so please if you want to sing any particular song or songs..please bring said songs with you. That is all. And don't forget your ridiculously hot outfit.

Bend Over, Shake the Dewey off Your Decimal

Call it Career Daze here on the HIA. Or, Take Your Slacker Friends To Work. If MoS Jef hasn't completely blinded you with his science, take a mo to read a li'l feature on the NYT about liberryians.

Clearly, many of us well-acquainted with the hipster cred of li- and guybrarianship already knew pub lib workers and MLIS'ers had it going on. It begs the related question -- how is it that so many HIAers manage to be so very far ahead of -- if not even full innovators for -- the trends that are very important in shaping our world today?

Hey, Nostra-dumbass, try to tell HIAers something we don't already know.

"A Hipper Crowd of Shushers"

New Unauthorized Autobiography Sheds Light, Tears

David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.

Science Has Let Me Down

Sure, his rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy still holds some nipple-hardening power, but where are his diatribes, his treateses, does he not know the HIA readership longs for his insights?

Wish you all could have been there...

Recently, as we were driving on the highways and byways of lovely Polk County FL, we were following a truck. It's rear window was painted with the slogan "Gimmee That Honky-Tonk Badonk-Adonk!" Greg seriously asks me "What is a badonk-adonk?" It fell to me to explain the term to Gregory, I struggled to illustrate it without bringing my own semi-legendary ass into the discussion, but in the end, it was unavoidable. It was not that bad, maybe after all these years I am finally getting comfortable with the junk in my trunk....

Random iTunes-Inspired Thoughts: You Know, Ace Frehely's Kinda Got a Set of Sexy Pipes on Him

You know, I've always rocked out pretty hard to the song "New York Groove" by Knights In Satan's Service frontman Ace Frehely. (It was an awesome song to rollerskate and bike to when I was 9-ish) I've always stood by it. And the other night, while listening to his devil-worshipping musical stylings, I thought to myself, "Hmmm. You know, Ace's voice is not entirely bad. It's almost kind of sexy, especially with that effect on it."

'Artist's Way' Group Meets, Discusses Vaginas and Monkey Sex

Julia Cameron (author of 'The Artist's Way') would be thrilled to know that her book has inspired local creative types to not only form their own support network, but also not limit their discussions strictly to 'art'.

After finishing their discussion on this weeks excercises, the group moved on to discuss gender roles and relationships, body imagine, hetrosexual porn, plastic-y poo, prolapsed anuses, vaginas and monkey sex.

"The crucial moment when we all had this intense epiphany, was when Krista was able to merge two separate streams of consciousness by bringing up the 'pussy-faced monkey' from National Geographic . . . we were all, like . . . wow. . . . you know. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I think she going to be branching out doing monkey-faced vaginas. Just turning that shit on it's HEAD!" said, participant R. Abeln.

"I think this is gonna be the best "Artist's Way group ever!!"

Renee and Katy Really F-ing Rock

Hey kids -- Just saying hello and hoping you are all well. Spring done sprung today and we have some gore-gee-us weather going on.

Renee, I, and Lee, Lindy, Annie, Marcia, and Laura -- our lovely Vermtown English Dept. cohorts, recently attended a live musical performance by "Poison Stream" -- the band made up of USD English professors -- and they provided us with much music for to rock. They rocked with a few originals as well as covers ranging from Cracker, the Cure, and Johnny Cash, to T. Rex, Janis Joplin, and the Beatles.

They have a FOG machine, people. That's how much they rock.

And while Poison Stream did rock, I cannot say that they rocked harder than Renee and me. We REALLY presented our rock. Our rock was somewhat untouchable. We kept rocking after the band stopped playing, people. Such is the potency of our rock.

I hope that when certain Floridians come to visit, they will have the opportunity to rock with us. But be warned -- our rock can be a little intimidating. We just really, really f-ing rock.

Dusty Hot-Box Needs To Bring Us Some News!

Dusty Hot-Box, not heard from since her brilliant work concerning the spread of tapeworming(which Al illustrated to such great effect in the last HIA News that we were somehow labeled "raunchtastic" ) has yet to post to the new HIA. We need your insights Dusty!

Scenes from Happenin' Vermtown

Al Suave

Al Especial

Jefe & Renee Sizzlin'

Jefe Impressing Lee

Oogie Oogie Oogie

Who Is This Man?

Chicas Calientes

Some of Us Don't Have to Try So Hard

Renee Gettin' Religion

MmmmrreOW!

Luscious Lindy

Rumpus Room!