Goodbye Man of Science, we literally never knew Ye

Hello HIA.
Just a quick note to tell ya'll ya'll that Man of Science is kaput, out-a-here, gone daddy gone. And that's OK! I mean what, one post maybe? I think that's about all the loser came up with in the span of three years. It seems that I was not inspired by the persona of a crotchety, pedantic, ranting Scientist guy. Or maybe I was just busy and kind of shy. Who really knows. That muse has flown.

So Man of Science has been replaced by my regular 'ol nickname over in the contributors list over yonder. I feel much freer now to post about any old thing--like poop and stuff.

But can he bring it on with this axe?

Consider Yerself broughtnened'El Jeffe

WARNING: Do NOT Ask Jefe to "Bring It" Unless One is Fully Prepared to Have it "Brung!"

First Single From "V-The Musical"

HIA video exclusive!!!
We at HIAnews have secured the first recording of "Science Lady" from the brilliant rock opera based on the sad-ass TV movie "V"! This reporter was able to sneak in two cameramen undetected to record Jefe and Roxy during a rare performance, and then immediately hand the raw footage over to an esteemed music video director (do the words "Rhinestone Cowboy" ring any bells?) to do with it what he wished.

The video has certain 'experimental' elements but what can I say, the director had a vision. Shame it wasn't 20/20, perhaps then he could have seen the errors of his ways. Let this be a lesson to all future videographers ...STORYBOARD, STORYBOARD, STORYBOARD!!! Be that as it may, this is a great song that deserves to be heard as soon as possible and not left languishing until a future undetermined date when it will be buried somewhere in a two album Broadway cast recording with all the other songs from the musical, like "Standing With My Gun of Freedom Pointed at the Spaceship of Fascism (Volume One Part Two)

Second in a Series of "Sweet" Videos

Extemporaneous Sweet Jane

As the videographer (and the oaf that unplugged Roxy's guitar in midperformance) I fully appreciate that this is a flawed document. However, I also appreciate this flawed document because it (dare I say) flawlessly echoes the ragged but right sensibilities expressed via the improvised lyrics of our Jefe.
Roxy's guitar playing (when heard) (again, I apologize for my part in that snafu) coupled with her and Mary's backing vocals allows this song to build and deepen, thus offering the ideal underpinning for his musings. Erica's egg shaking abilities are on par with that of the octo-mom's and lends a nuanced subtlety to the performance that is only topped by the page turning of one Katy! some could argue that my inadvertent unplugging of the electric guitar (really...what part of SORRY don't you people understand!!!) imbues the performance with a dynamic range that it otherwise would be lacking.
You're welcome.

Side Project Assuages Grief, Sense of Betrayal Felt by 'Trainablez' Fans

Imagine a 'Guns and Roses' composed soley of 5 Axl Roses and you can get some idea of how long one will have to wait to hear any new music from the 'Trainablez'. That is why Roxy and Jeff have offered up this "video single" the A side is a Jefe original, while the B side is a 'Decemberist' cover.

A SIDE


B SIDE

FINALLY! World Premire Video!!!

Witness Jefe's solo venture (with a back up band comprised of several members from the Trainablez)

Not Feeling Very Christmassy?

The Trainablez are here to help!

We've just added a little Chrsitmas ditty to our Myspace page for you all to enjoy . . . sure, it's bit minimal due to the fact that only Jefe, Al and Roxy answered the call, but it's almost too blisteringly hot to be a song for the holidays only!

I'm sure you're all wondering why it was just the three of us. Well, frankly, we were, too. The conclusions we came to were that either everybody else in the band hates Christmas or Africa. As they weren't there to clarify, I guess we'll never know . . .

And, of course, we know that a certain special someone in Florida has their eye on a certain prize - and don't worry. we're working up something tasty in the Glen Campbell vein.

In the meantime, get up with Christmas and The Trainablez new single!

http://www.myspace.com/thetrainablez

Photos of Vermillion Folk Singer Surface

Photos of Vermillion Folk singer, Renee Roxanne Abeln, surfaced earlier this week. Apparently they were taken at a West River wedding held sometime earlier in the month. She performs with accompianist, Jefe, captivates the crowd with her impish grin, and is helped by one of her handlers to prepare for the performance.

Vermillion Folk Singer Adds "Totally Relevant" Song to Repertoire

Renee Roxanne Abeln has recently increased her current song list, moving into double digits. The key song that's taken her to the next level? "The Unicorn" by the Irish Rovers.

"Sure, people laugh when I tell them I've expanded my remit to include songs about mythical creatures but it's, like, totally relevant to this day and age. Just listen to this: . . .

'And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns . . .'

I mean, c'mon. We've ALL been there. Why can't we just admit it? Young people are crying out for a song with a message like this that they can identify with. Also, I've pretty much nailed 'Puff the Magic Dragon' . . . It's been a prolific month for me."

Asked if she has any songs planned for the future, Abeln responded. "You know, I like to keep edgy. Current. So I'm going to be focusing on pieces that have been neglected by history, like "Running Bear", "Call of the Wild Goose" or "North to Alaska" . . . you know. Stuff that the kids nowadays really 'dig'. Because it's 'happening' and 'groovy'. Man. And yes, I am considering a re-working of 'Purple People Eater'. "

Her accompanyist, Jefe Engeman, could not be reached for comment.

For the full lyrics of "The Unicorn, click here.

SCIENCE KNOWS NO HOLIDAY

While millions across the nation celebrate Independence Day by frolicking in grass bestrewn parks swilling beer and potato salad, the dedicated Man of Science celebrates his Independence by diligently remaining at his microscope.

There are no holidays in the pursuit of knowledge. The true Man of Science knows that he can never rest, never take his ease, never let the pursuit wane, for knowledge is like the elusive ivory-billed woodpecker, or the shy lynx, or the sorority girl with only half-a-beer in her system—one must be relentless in the chase or one’s prey will slip through one’s fingers like summer sweat.

Little do the unwashed millions of non-scientists know that as they sit with rolls of fat poking through the weave gaps in their lawn-chairs, and as they stumble to the port-a-potty to relieve their beer distended bladders, and as they “ooh” and “aah” and ogle monkey-like the fireworks exploding above them; little do the mealy-minded masses know that as they unpack coolers and argue the rules of badminton, the dedicated Man of Science works tirelessly for the improvement of their lives.

For who else will stand before the great night, his razor-like mind keeping the darkness at bay? Who else will shine the light of reason into the superstition befouled minds of America, curing the terrors of sloppy thinking? Who but the Man of Science will spend his 4th of July taking pictures of the developing gill arches of Catostomus commersoni—the white suckerfish?



He does this for knowledge. He does this for truth. He does this for YOU my fellow Americans.

He does this because his advisor will kick his ass if he hasn’t made progress in collecting his data when she returns from vacation tomorrow.

David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.

Science Has Let Me Down

Sure, his rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy still holds some nipple-hardening power, but where are his diatribes, his treateses, does he not know the HIA readership longs for his insights?

Verm on YouTube

Thanks to Mully, S.D. talent has finally joined the YouTube Revolution.



Thanks Mully!

Almost Live From the Cofee House Gallery

v Residents and visitors gathered for a java jumpstart on this activity-filled Saturday. After recapping the very funny bits from the evening before, new funny bits were bandied about for later recapping and the visitors were treated to the video "Candypants." The group then convened accross the street at a famous thrift store. The find of the day was a multi-colored string egg. Haircuts, wainscoting and unknown demands pulled 3 of the group towards productive lives. Another was lost to a research paper after lunch at the chinese buffet. The visitors and their gallant host continued on to discover taxidermy at the local library and peruse used books on Main St. They topped off their lovely afternoon with a nap.

Scenes from Happenin' Vermtown

Al Suave

Al Especial

Jefe & Renee Sizzlin'

Jefe Impressing Lee

Oogie Oogie Oogie

Who Is This Man?

Chicas Calientes

Some of Us Don't Have to Try So Hard

Renee Gettin' Religion

MmmmrreOW!

Luscious Lindy

Rumpus Room!