HIA News: Justin

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Aging Hipsters Party All Night Long, Become Accutely Aware of Joint Pain

Dateline: Friday Night, 9:00pm to 1:00am, Vermillion.

USD's hometown was once again of scene of aged debauchery as academic hipsters formerly known as Poison Stream visited the Friends of the Eagles Club. Early reviews were tepid, as the band insisted on playing "dance" hits such as "Biko".

As bemused revelers looked about in confusion, one was heard to observe: "I don't know. The drumming is okay, but it doesn't seem right to dance to a song about racial hatred and murder . . ." More downbeat numbers followed, causing much muttering and snide slurs against the band's ability to "rock hard".

But then the aging party-ers got more than they bargained for when up and coming youngsters the Breakout Boys hit the stage. The OTA attendees soon realized that maybe they weren't able to keep up with the kids any more.

Then, to add injury to insult, the Band formerly known as Poison Stream decided to "rock out" for their final set with their covers of "White Wedding" and "Folsom Prison Blues", leaving the more elderly concert goers no choice but to continue rocking, despite being gradually let down by their aged joints. Library worker R. Abeln was heard to exclaim, "Man, my thighs are killing me! I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow!" At least 2 hepsters were reported to have to thrown their necks out during the performance.

There was some small comfort for two of these older party girls as a late night visit to all-night grocery store HY-Vee saw them being addressed as "two hot, sexy dames". This compliment (coming from suave soon-to-be high school English teacher, Justin Walker) almost made up for the fact that they were repeatedly passed up by young men during the night due to the fact that they were surrounded by young women.

Early reports this morning indicate Abeln is indeed 'feeling it" and is taking Ibuprofen for her knee pain.