Blizzard 2009 (Socks Were Worn)

Great Things about the New Super Casey's

It has been brought to my attention that I am for to make the sucking at posting to the HIA News. My excuses include: I lost my camera, I don't have anything all that interesting to share, and that no one will read it anyway because no one ever posts to the HIA because no one ever reads it anyway.

However, Mully said I could use my words to describe things, so there goes the camera excuses. I guess I could post about the new super Casey's in Vermillion. But that last one is out of my hands.

The great things about the new super Casey's include: a) it is on the east end of town on my way to work, and I don't have to cross Cherry Street or Main Street to get gas; b) the new super Casey's carries affordable six packs of Stella Artois; c) the new super Casey's donuts are very tasty if you are craving a good donut. The not-so-great things about the new super Casey's are that they don't have a very diverse salty-snack selection and sometimes a couple of their pumps might be down.

The new super Casey's is pretty much like the super Casey's pictured above; however, our super Casey's pumps run east-west, not north-south.

In short, the new super Casey's is pretty good at fulfilling one's convenience store needs and is a rich study in deep contrasts.

Renee Makes Newsworthy Return to Vermillion

(Vermillion, SD) - Not one to miss out on a PR stop, Renee Abeln recently "drummed up" local papps with her typical media-savvy bon mots. To read more, click here: http://www.volanteonline.com/news/1.1371400-1.1371400

Friends Bear Witness to Broom Jumping

(Vermillion, SD) - Two long-time HIA'ers, R. Abeln and A. Fish, were eyewitnesses to a broom-jumping ceremony held at the Clay County Courthouse, Friday, September 26.

While the bride and groom could not be reached for comment, Fish, who served as both best man and photographer, was quite self-congratulatory on his stellar fulfillment of these dual roles.

"During the nuptials I held proud and firm as, meanwhile, the bride totally practically lost it," reported Fish. "Her voice cracking and her eyes tearing, she so totally almost lost it -- but not me, no-siree."

"And my photos are the shuh-hizz! I am so proud of the way I used the unique architecture of the courthouse to grab some awesome pix!" bragged Fish. "I am so impressed with my own ability to compose a fabulous shot in the midst of hub-bub and tufty bits of wedding finery."

Meanwhile, Abeln, looking glamorous in her gilded maidron-of-honor frock, remarked on how terrific she looked for the ceremony. "While Katy and Mike were saying something about honoring and cherishing or something -- I wasn't really listening -- I caught my reflection in the polished wood of the courtroom table," remarked Ablen. "DAMN, I looked hot!"

While the couple jetted off to Omaha for a weekend honeymoon, Fish and Abeln stunned downtown Vermillion and Sioux Falls with their glamour and pizzazz. "Mike and Katy should get married every year!" shouted a gleeful Abeln as she danced on the tables at Raziel's. "Just look at all the hot, young college studs who can't take their eyes off me!"

Vermillion Man O' the People Shares his Booty with the Community (*WINK*)

No, we don't mean THAT booty -he's been sharing that freely for years!!

After much nagging and whining and threats and bribes, A. Fish (Ladies Man - Man's Man - Man About Town) finally agreed to put some of his many pop-cultures treasures on display - Yes, it's "Al Fish's Kitsch-llection!"

And where better to do it than the public library - Vermillion's cultural hotspot!

Already the display has attracted a lot of attention - from the squeal of delight from the library staff to the teary-eyed nostaligia of the Baby Boomers to the fascinated gazes of the under 10 crowd.

This collection is only the tip of the iceberg and further installments are being negotiated.

Aging Hipsters Party All Night Long, Become Accutely Aware of Joint Pain

Dateline: Friday Night, 9:00pm to 1:00am, Vermillion.

USD's hometown was once again of scene of aged debauchery as academic hipsters formerly known as Poison Stream visited the Friends of the Eagles Club. Early reviews were tepid, as the band insisted on playing "dance" hits such as "Biko".

As bemused revelers looked about in confusion, one was heard to observe: "I don't know. The drumming is okay, but it doesn't seem right to dance to a song about racial hatred and murder . . ." More downbeat numbers followed, causing much muttering and snide slurs against the band's ability to "rock hard".

But then the aging party-ers got more than they bargained for when up and coming youngsters the Breakout Boys hit the stage. The OTA attendees soon realized that maybe they weren't able to keep up with the kids any more.

Then, to add injury to insult, the Band formerly known as Poison Stream decided to "rock out" for their final set with their covers of "White Wedding" and "Folsom Prison Blues", leaving the more elderly concert goers no choice but to continue rocking, despite being gradually let down by their aged joints. Library worker R. Abeln was heard to exclaim, "Man, my thighs are killing me! I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow!" At least 2 hepsters were reported to have to thrown their necks out during the performance.

There was some small comfort for two of these older party girls as a late night visit to all-night grocery store HY-Vee saw them being addressed as "two hot, sexy dames". This compliment (coming from suave soon-to-be high school English teacher, Justin Walker) almost made up for the fact that they were repeatedly passed up by young men during the night due to the fact that they were surrounded by young women.

Early reports this morning indicate Abeln is indeed 'feeling it" and is taking Ibuprofen for her knee pain.

Photos of Vermillion Folk Singer Surface

Photos of Vermillion Folk singer, Renee Roxanne Abeln, surfaced earlier this week. Apparently they were taken at a West River wedding held sometime earlier in the month. She performs with accompianist, Jefe, captivates the crowd with her impish grin, and is helped by one of her handlers to prepare for the performance.

Vermillion Folk Singer Adds "Totally Relevant" Song to Repertoire

Renee Roxanne Abeln has recently increased her current song list, moving into double digits. The key song that's taken her to the next level? "The Unicorn" by the Irish Rovers.

"Sure, people laugh when I tell them I've expanded my remit to include songs about mythical creatures but it's, like, totally relevant to this day and age. Just listen to this: . . .

'And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns . . .'

I mean, c'mon. We've ALL been there. Why can't we just admit it? Young people are crying out for a song with a message like this that they can identify with. Also, I've pretty much nailed 'Puff the Magic Dragon' . . . It's been a prolific month for me."

Asked if she has any songs planned for the future, Abeln responded. "You know, I like to keep edgy. Current. So I'm going to be focusing on pieces that have been neglected by history, like "Running Bear", "Call of the Wild Goose" or "North to Alaska" . . . you know. Stuff that the kids nowadays really 'dig'. Because it's 'happening' and 'groovy'. Man. And yes, I am considering a re-working of 'Purple People Eater'. "

Her accompanyist, Jefe Engeman, could not be reached for comment.

For the full lyrics of "The Unicorn, click here.

David Blaine/Molly Wortham “Ass-Off” Results Reveal Startling Similarities, Cheating

In the interests of science and showing off, an “Ass-Off Competition was held at the recent MollyPalooza in Vermillion, SD.

The event took place on the evening of May 25th in near perfect lab conditions at 709 West Main Street. A long-standing feud has raged between the participants, Mr David Blaine and Mrs Molly Wortham, as to who has the “cuter” ass. The purpose of this event was to determine once and for all, and with scientific precision, who had the “cuter” ass. As the assessor, I took rigorous precautions in ensuring fairness and objectivity, even though I am related to Participant Wortham and have expressed a vague disapproval for Participant Blaine.

For the layperson, the 3 main criteria for assessing ass cuteness are “Junk-in-trunk” (the relative width of the ass in question), “Ba-donk” (the pleasurable cup-ability of the ass in question, also known as the Jiggle Factor), and “Got-back” (the profiled curvature of the ass in question).

As Figure A reveals, the “junk-in-trunk” measurement for both candidates was quite close on the “junk-in-trunk” scale and no discernable difference could be confirmed, given the margin of error of <2cm>.

Figure A also reveals no discernable difference in the “ba-donk” measurement, when the assessor took into account the inherent fluidness of the “Jiggle Factor”, which can leave a margin of error of up to 3º. Again, results were too close to call.

Figure B demonstrates that even the “got-back” result was inconclusive. With the margin of error (although tighter than the “ba-donk” scale) at 1º, the .1º difference between the participants was to tight to determine the victor.

It was at this point, however, that I noticed that Participant Blaine was “crotch-grabbing” – a well-known technique for increasing one’s optimum measurements across the “cuteness” scale – (see figure c) and thus had to be disqualified. I also noticed the participant wasn’t David Blaine, and was, in fact, Jefe Engeman, known to both Participant Wortham and myself. I could not help but come to the conclusion that the whole “Ass-Off” was a set-up from the beginning.

Therefore, despite all efforts, the debate will continue to rage on until such time as “crotch-grabbing” can be eliminated from experiments, the real David Blaine is available for measurement, and a new assessor can be found, as I am so disenchanted with the sleaze factor that has crept into such a beautiful and potentially enlightening endeavour I will no longer be available.

The Vermillion Lifestyle Exposed: Part 1, Shallot-busting

While Vermillionites would have you believe they are very down to earth and live ever so simply, they do in fact indulge in gourmet seasonings on a level that the outside world is not aware of. Check out these photos which illustate the different shallot-busting styles of one R. Abeln and one A. Fish. Next time: just how many "pubs" in Vermillion have Stella Artois on tap?

Verm on YouTube

Thanks to Mully, S.D. talent has finally joined the YouTube Revolution.



Thanks Mully!

Mullypalooza Rocks, Cheers, Bores, Eventually Annoys

(Vermillion, SD) - South Dakota-born Floridian Molly W. recently brought her own special brand of delightful banter, humor, gaeity, and insight to family and friends in South Dakota's hottest and quaintest southeastern college town. Accompanied at first by her hilariously droll and straight-shooting Nebraska gal-pal Mindy, Wortham was a welcome sight for eyes that had not set upon her since UK Wedding-a-Ganza 2005.

Charmed at first by Wortham's witty and observational bon mot's regarding gnats and chill, Wortham's loved ones, assured the endearingly cranky witticisms would fade as soon as Wortham acclimated to the climatic environment she herself had lived in for over 30 years, continued to celebrate the very special homecoming of their beloved friend.

Feted with a Mexican lunch, a sushi garden party and a slumber party, special appearances by Claude and Justin, and rollicking rock outs at Carey's Bar (which recently acquired pleather lounge furnishings in anticipation of "Mullypalooza") Wortham appeared to enjoy her time, often sporting giggles and her own charming signature duck laugh.

In spite of Wortham's avid and enthusiastic participation in Vermillion life, however, the critical asides chiding South Dakota's severe welt-inducing insect population and 50 degree-ish weather did not fade with time as was hoped, but rather gathered momentum to such a point as to foresake all other points of conversation.

Numbed at first into boredom and later, total annoyance, Albert Fish, with whom Wortham mostly lodged, said: "Ya knoooow....it's Molly! One would be worried if she wasn't at least a trifle bitchy. But then, as the days dragged into weeks, and her crabby drone overpowered even that of the swarms of humming, biting gnats, I found myself going to my happy place quite frequently. And by happy place I of course mean my bathroom. Or sometimes SpeeDee Mart. The bathroom at SpeeDee Mart, I mean. Anything to escape (and here Fish's voice switched to a bitchy falsetto) 'Oh! Why is it so cold! Oh! Why won't these gnats leave me alone! Oh! Why are you already going to bed, Al, it's only 4:30 in the morning! Oh!'"

Even the initial delight of blood relations turned to beleagurement and eventually intolerance.

"I left victims in the disaster-stricken river basin of the Jim River -- people yearning for food, shelter, dry clothing -- to spend time with my sister whom I love," enjoined Claude Abeln. "Yeah, I bet the citizens of Redfield who lost their homes and their jobs to floods and tornadoes would love to have the luxury of whining about (and here Abeln's voice switched to a bitchy falsetto) 'not being able to find their cute jackets when its just soooo coooold outside, and worrying that their latest bug bite might undo the amazing wrinkle repair provided by pricey cosmeceuticals.'"

Abeln added: "Thank god Justin arrived in time to distract my attention toward titillating tales from the noodle factory."

Worst hit by the unseasonal bitch front was Wortham's younger sister Renee. Having recently built a popular following of writers and artists with her uplifting guidance for the book The Artist's Way, Abeln said her sister's presence at group meetings was a "nice change of pace" at first. But then, Abeln reported, things simply got out of control.

"Okay, so like we talk about being positive about stuff, right? Like, if you can imagine it, you can make it happen, you know?" huffed Abeln. "And, okay, maybe some people might think it's corny, but it, like, works for us and stuff, okay? And so then Molly's at our meeting and she's all like (and here Abeln's voice switched to a bitchy falsetto) 'Blah blah blah blah blah! Oh! Look at me, I manifested Jim Bravo, I manifested Jim Bravo!' And I'm like, yeah, wow, crazy, what are the chances? What are the chances of running into Bravo in Vermillion at Carey's for chrissakes. Like, oh, I don't know, 99 out of 100? And what are the chances that Bravo would have some quirky shit from a Sioux City thrift store that Molly might be interested in? Oh, like 110 in 100 maybe?"

'Oh! I manifested Bravo! Oh!' Abeln continued in a bitchy falsetto. "Oh! You're about to manifest my wedge boot in your ass is what you're manifesting!"

"Molly shoots a few fish in a barrel, and - blammo! - she's mastered the ancient art of channeling positive creative energy and is 'manifesting,'"Abeln added. "Gimme a break."

"I don' know," friend Katy commented. "Tuh listen to her, which'n franky, we all jes' kinna' stopped doin' after 'bout the fift day, you know, you'dda thunk she'd ne'er spent a day on the praaahrie. I mean, I know it's no penninsuhlaahr or tropical pare dise, and we're all real happy she n' Gregg have done real good for themselves down there, him going to Fuji 'n all. But it ain't like she did'n grow up bein' et by gnats and skeeters and eatin' commod cheese and vittles jes like the res' of us. Sheet. An' she wans us'm to go down there and visit her!? Now how we goan 'ford Sundee togs fer that, I aks you?"

Bitch Front Moves Out of South Dakota

Vermillion residents breathed a sigh of sweet relief as a fierce bitch front moved out of their now quiet again town. They had been plagued for days by the front, which left most extremely fatigued. "I'm just so happy to be able to walk down the street and not have to hear about how cold it is, or how bad the bugs are, or have all the dead birds pointed out to me." Said one clearly relieved resident. Another local pointed out the front moved on the same time as Mullypalooza rolled out of town. The same day a bitch front warning was issued for Lakeland, Florida.

Precious Moments, or a Beginner's Guide to Speaking Trailergentsia

Last night Renee, Al, Jefe, Jon, and I were at a fire party, and one of our Verm friends was aksing how long Renee and I had known each other. Nee and I always freak a bit when we have to admit it's been almost 20 years. We met in Vermillion in 1989, when she was a rising star in the theatre department and I was a hapless Spanish/theatre/psych major before I fled to the bright lights/big city of the Minneapple. That was also the year I met Mully, Jefe, Al, and Gregg.

Sometimes, when I think of certain Trailergentsia/HIA stories, I must laugh aloud. The other day whilst driving (my students always write "whilst" -- wot up wid dat?) I was for whatever reason recalling the night before Eldora's (Mama Abeln) funeral, when Renee and I were sharing a full bed and I had tried molesting her in my sleep. In the morning, with the covers pulled up to her little nose, big eyes peeping out, Renee said, "Um, Katy? Um....last night you tried to have your way with me."

I recoiled in horror at my own behavior. Clearly my oversexed psyche was trying to take advantage of Renee's vulnerable state. Poor Renee, thinking she would find comfort and succor from her trusted friend, was instead shamed and violated by my nocturnal lasciviousness. But then, I realized, God, would it have killed her to put out a little? I mean, I was stressed and worried too. But that's Nee, always thinking of herself.

T'other day Mike and I were driving in central residential Vermillion when we passed a house that I realized was the original site of the "bepaned portals." Shore 'nuff, I looked at the interesting windowstry on the abode, and there they were, in all their be-glassed, see-through-ishness glory. I told Mike I thought maybe it was a sign that the Trailergentsia/members of the HIA may need to start recording our history for the ages.

Another thing that made me giggle aloud as I was driving on Cherry Street last night was the time a whole gaggle of us were chowing at Cherry Street Grille in the late '90s. Mully and Gregg had recently taken a trip to Belize, and were chatting about their adventures. Gregg was puzzling aloud over one of the features of this tropical community, and Mully attempted to sate his curiousity by saying, "Welll, Gregory, you know how it is on the penninsulahhr..." She sounded like a freaking Kennedy, I shit you negative. And now she and Gregg live in a tropical paradise, and she's in upper management and Europeans have discovered Gregg's art, and well, little did we know Mully was portending of the future.

Yeah. That JUST Happened.

Monkey-sex vagina dialogues, semi-celebrity poetry slams, slavishly fashionable Taxidermied-Americans. God, I hate to lord Vermillion's increasingly intimidating superiority over towns where other people vainly attempt to assemble meangingful lives, but Jesus. I think this speaks for itself. In terms of cultural cache, can you afford not to live here?

Museum Gets Only Known Cittern
(Vermillion, SD) - National Music Museum Director Andre Larson rarely buys an instrument for the museum's collection, but when a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity arises he does not hold back. One of those rare purchases occurred at the beginning of the month when Larson bought the only known English cittern over the phone during an auction held by Christie's, a major auction house in New York.

(above) In a rare moment, rare Director of rare National Music Museum Andre Larson lovingly fondles his rare instrument.

Read full rare story....

'Artist's Way' Group Meets, Discusses Vaginas and Monkey Sex

Julia Cameron (author of 'The Artist's Way') would be thrilled to know that her book has inspired local creative types to not only form their own support network, but also not limit their discussions strictly to 'art'.

After finishing their discussion on this weeks excercises, the group moved on to discuss gender roles and relationships, body imagine, hetrosexual porn, plastic-y poo, prolapsed anuses, vaginas and monkey sex.

"The crucial moment when we all had this intense epiphany, was when Krista was able to merge two separate streams of consciousness by bringing up the 'pussy-faced monkey' from National Geographic . . . we were all, like . . . wow. . . . you know. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I think she going to be branching out doing monkey-faced vaginas. Just turning that shit on it's HEAD!" said, participant R. Abeln.

"I think this is gonna be the best "Artist's Way group ever!!"

ATT: Vermillion. New West River Connection

Since you're such a happening group there in Vermillion, I'm sure you'll all be attending the poetry reading Friday night at the Coffee Shop Gallery. Say "Hi" to Donna Parks. She's the winner of this year's High Plains Writer's Poetry Contest. Her winning poem is going to be in the lit journal USD publishes. Tell her you're my friend and that you know the illusive Jason. I'm never sure if people believe me when I tell them I have friends.

Worry Not: You Are Always Real Good Looking in This Rural Mecca

That's another one of Vermillion's best-kept secrets -- with its flattering prairie lighting, you are always guaranteed to be real good looking!

You also attain the voice of an angel (Stop Dragging Our Hearts Around, Renee!), the IQ of a savant (dig Jefe's off-the-charts GRE score!), underwear model hair (guilty!) and a flair for limerick writing (Go Yotes!).

If that's not enough, you get to sup at Market Street Cafe's all-you-can-eat fish n' ribs buffet, where you can hang with sweet-natured monks who lovingly call you a "dirty, sinning whore," and who then dissolve into adorable giggles. Not enough, you say? How about screening Blades of Glory and crying tears of joy with many of your best friends as you hear the first strains of "Flash! Aaahh-aaaaah!"

Out shall come your inner Joan Cusack, as you stroll through new-to-you boutiques bedecked with cute orange bunnies and public libraries brimming with local fashion-forward varmints and game.

Have you made your Cindo de Mayo plans yet? Good luck finding authentic Mexican celebrations in Florida or St. Paul, let alone Rapid City! Meanwhile, tongues here are awag about Muskie and The Fez's upcoming fiestaware!

Vermillion -- it's not just a hub for people wondering what to do with their lives anymore!

Someone Could at Least Comment on How Good Looking We Are

Almost Live From the Cofee House Gallery

v Residents and visitors gathered for a java jumpstart on this activity-filled Saturday. After recapping the very funny bits from the evening before, new funny bits were bandied about for later recapping and the visitors were treated to the video "Candypants." The group then convened accross the street at a famous thrift store. The find of the day was a multi-colored string egg. Haircuts, wainscoting and unknown demands pulled 3 of the group towards productive lives. Another was lost to a research paper after lunch at the chinese buffet. The visitors and their gallant host continued on to discover taxidermy at the local library and peruse used books on Main St. They topped off their lovely afternoon with a nap.