Site of Severe Starbucks Sassing Pinpointed

Government officials have recently released the details of the actual site of the recent Starbucks sassing that took place in Sarasota, FL on the afternoon of July 8th, 2007.

“The information we have on the situation identifies the site as shown on the accompanying picture. As you can see, this would seem to indicate a drive-by sassing - a disturbing trend that we have noticed has become increasingly prevalent in built-up, humid areas of the country. It may be related to so-called ‘sock-free’ lifestyle that so many of our young people are embracing,” one government official revealed.

With trembling voice, he continued, “We are becoming more concerned by this trend and the severity of the sassing in this incident would put this at Sass-Con 2. We are advising less-sassy individuals to stay indoors and only travel if it is absolutely necessary. Although we had high hopes during Memorial Day holiday this year that this sort of urban bee-stinging/butterfly-floating had abated, it is now clear that the Sass-Com Level 5 we experienced then was a mere blip.”

“While we have no ‘official profiling’, we are interested in speaking to individuals who are seeking to graduate from high school or who work in thrift stores. If you know just such a ’sassy’ individual who has recently indulged in caffeine, please do not approach or confront them and risk incurring their sass. Simply contact your nearest law enforcement official.”

Photo: Al Fish

I've Been Served, Venti Size
I will not soon forget this day that will live in infamy.
4:20 PM Sarasota, FL, specifically 1375 Tamiami Trail
a young punk in a Starbucks uniform,
I took a vicious, unprecedented sassing, and i just kept coming back for more.
It was Liston vs. Clay but it was not I floating like a butterfly, nor was it I stinging like a bee...
I will see you again, young Starbucks dude...

Bend Over, Shake the Dewey off Your Decimal

Call it Career Daze here on the HIA. Or, Take Your Slacker Friends To Work. If MoS Jef hasn't completely blinded you with his science, take a mo to read a li'l feature on the NYT about liberryians.

Clearly, many of us well-acquainted with the hipster cred of li- and guybrarianship already knew pub lib workers and MLIS'ers had it going on. It begs the related question -- how is it that so many HIAers manage to be so very far ahead of -- if not even full innovators for -- the trends that are very important in shaping our world today?

Hey, Nostra-dumbass, try to tell HIAers something we don't already know.

"A Hipper Crowd of Shushers"

Woo! Hoo! Science is Going to St. Louis

Currently dubbed the "most dangerous city in America," St. Louis will shortly be known as the "most awesomely scientific city in America" because the annual meeting of the American Society of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists (commonly called "Ichs and Herps") is coming to town.

Watch out St. Louis! Don' be givin' us no sucktitude or we will SCIENCE YOU UP! Mother F'ers!

Man of Science is looking forward to all the lovely lady scientists who will be throwing themselves at him after seeing his fab power point presentation: "Preliminary Observations on the Development of the Gill Arches in Catostomus commersoni: chondrification of the copulae and ossification of the basibranchials." Which pretty much proves that god exists and her name is Agnes and she lives on a small island off the coast of Greenland.

Most appropriate that Man of Science will be talking about gill arches in the city of the arch. But that's science for you--always appropriate.

Breaking News!

Due to R. Abeln's withdrawl of herself as judge for any upcoming Ass-Off
competitions, the call has been put out for a new celebrity judge.
Sir Mix A Lot has expressed a certain interest, and negotiations are ongoing.

SCIENCE KNOWS NO HOLIDAY

While millions across the nation celebrate Independence Day by frolicking in grass bestrewn parks swilling beer and potato salad, the dedicated Man of Science celebrates his Independence by diligently remaining at his microscope.

There are no holidays in the pursuit of knowledge. The true Man of Science knows that he can never rest, never take his ease, never let the pursuit wane, for knowledge is like the elusive ivory-billed woodpecker, or the shy lynx, or the sorority girl with only half-a-beer in her system—one must be relentless in the chase or one’s prey will slip through one’s fingers like summer sweat.

Little do the unwashed millions of non-scientists know that as they sit with rolls of fat poking through the weave gaps in their lawn-chairs, and as they stumble to the port-a-potty to relieve their beer distended bladders, and as they “ooh” and “aah” and ogle monkey-like the fireworks exploding above them; little do the mealy-minded masses know that as they unpack coolers and argue the rules of badminton, the dedicated Man of Science works tirelessly for the improvement of their lives.

For who else will stand before the great night, his razor-like mind keeping the darkness at bay? Who else will shine the light of reason into the superstition befouled minds of America, curing the terrors of sloppy thinking? Who but the Man of Science will spend his 4th of July taking pictures of the developing gill arches of Catostomus commersoni—the white suckerfish?



He does this for knowledge. He does this for truth. He does this for YOU my fellow Americans.

He does this because his advisor will kick his ass if he hasn’t made progress in collecting his data when she returns from vacation tomorrow.

I have confessed my love of sunbutter to a total stranger

The checkout girl at the Chamberlain's Natural Foods Market asked me if sunbutter was good....i told her how much i love sunbutter, and of my intentions to marry it.
Sierra was not at all shocked. She merely said, sometimes you can't help what you love.